I Don't Not Drink Because You Didn't Tell Me I Was Going to Do It Anyway
by Finnegan Schall, M.S.G.

People are always trying to convince me that drinking is evil. I'm not entirely sure why people feel the need to bring this up with me in particular, but they do. It's gotten to be a bit of a bore to be quite honest, so I thought I would take this chance to reply to all the arguments I've heard decrying the sins of alcohol at once and from here on out anyone who wishes to discuss the subject further may simply refer to this thorough, fair and balanced, and hopefully not legally binding document.

"I see ugly people."
The first thing people like to bring up is the sleeping with ugly people issue. However if you apply simple logic this whole argument immediately crumbles. First, it's only a problem later when you wake up sober and hung over next to some hideous toad. When you're still drunk you're having a blast. So the simplest answer is to stay drunk. My grandfather pulled this one off for 65 years.

Alternatively, if for some insane reason you have to sober up, leave safely before your blood alcohol level drops into the danger zone. You might be vaguely nervous the next day wondering if this person was as cute as you remember. This will fade. Additionally you will almost certainly be hammered again the next time you see him/her and won't notice.
Finally, and sorry to have to bring it up, but have you looked in the mirror lately? Try it sober sometime and ask yourself which one of the two, three, or four of you in that bed is actually the one slumming.

"It's too expensive."
Next they talk about the expense. Selfish bastards! Don't they know… don't they understand that there are starving children who have families that depend on the money those kids make in whiskey factories all over the world? Particularly Ireland. If you stop drinking now… well I just hope you can live with the guilt of knowing somewhere an eight-year-old girl is crying herself to sleep because she lost her 70-hour a week job working around dangerous fumes and chemicals.

"It makes me feel sick."
Often people talk about getting sick from too much drink. First off, if you puke it just means you haven't been practicing hard enough. Secondly, and trust me on this one, if you're going to puke you would much rather be drunk when it happens. It's just less traumatic that way.

"I might pass out."
Sometimes I hear people bitching about blackouts. But if you think it through you realize that a) if you black out you probably don't want to know what happened - it's never good. b) it's natures way of making sure you look honestly surprised when cops come and ask you about the parking meter and the baby carriage on the hood of your car in the neighbor's lawn.

"I might get shanghaied!"
Yeah. Shanghai-ing related crimes are really on the rise in Kansas City. I mean really. If you get drunk at a pirate bar down at the docks, yes, this is a legitimate concern. But look at the bright side: You get to travel, work on your tan and drink grog all day. How bad can it be?

That should just about cover all the arguments. If you come up with any more, well keep 'em to yourself you mouthy little punk, because I'm drunk and I don't give a shit. No one wants to hear what you have to say anyway. Are you the professional drunken writer? I didn't think so. Uh huh.

This has been Finnegan, doing more before last call the night before than those other guys who do more before 6 a.m. than most people do all day.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©

Finnegan Schall  has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His drinking credentials include: Out drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill). Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze, and what’s your name lover?”