Translational Research and Study Findings on Bar Fights
by Finn Schall, Ph.D(ildo)

A subject that isn't researched nearly enough is the bar fight. As principal investigator for an ongoing study funded by the FDA on drinking (my research primarily includes doing a lot of it, mostly alone, at home, with my dog) I would like to add my scientific views on this special branch of alcoholism, the bar fight.

I'm sure you all realize that the bar fight is inevitably part of any hard drinker's experiential repertoire. I feel obligated to mention the rest of this lengthy and technical research document will primarily focus on male participants. In typical gold standard randomized blinded and placebo-controlled trials, female bar fights, while not unheard of (especially in New Jersey) were found to be the exception rather than the rule. My colleagues all agree bar fighting is primarily a male sport.
There are a number of reasons why a bar fight begins and it is my intention to discuss them all individually however there are only two basic strategies once the first shots have been fired: avoidance and engagement. Each course has several appropriate variations according to the individual situation so I will discuss the different situations and the potential reactions to each one.

The Girl
You may not know her last name or her first name or even be totally sure of her gender, but in these circumstances she is always 'The Girl'. Whether or not she's your girlfriend or his, or a complete stranger to you both, it always boils down to the fact that you both wish to plunder her (or at least her ugly friend's) many splendorous treasures and don't wish to appear foolish or wimpy in front of this evening's drunken siren. We'll ignore the fact that by this point in the evening you invariably look like a beery hard-on with a wrinkled shirt.

So you're pursuing an angel of the night and you cross swords, so to speak, with a fellow applicant amoroso who growls and crushes his empty beer container against his forehead with one engulfing hairy backed hand (and he's not particularly concerned the container is a glass). What to do?

One possibility in this or any fight is to let out a monkey shriek, rip your shirt from your ape-like chest and leap through the air with simian grace to begin crushing his head with a barstool or other available club-like object. But if that is your choice you're probably not reading this article but are in fact already picking nits out of your loved one's matted pelt in a cave somewhere - possibly Independence.

The more likely case is that you will both puff up like blowfish in order to appear more intimidating to one another while circling around and around one another slinging taunts and jeers (and maybe some feces). Traditionally, these taunts generally consist of daring one another to 'do something' and referring to each other as 'pussy' which I can only assume is some reference to why you're both there in the first place. Eventually one of you will work up the nerve to tackle the other one, a quick scuffle will ensue, and you will both be quickly ejected from the premises. Meanwhile some guy named Ed or possibly Sid will end up banging The Girl. They go on vacation to Las Vegas, get married by Elvis, and then she hooks up with some high roller and Ed/ realizes she gave him crabs. But we are not here to talk about Ed. Forget about Ed.

Where was I? Oh yes, A better idea: Apologize profusely, buy the guy a drink, then go tell the biggest guy in the place that you just heard that guy, right over there, call him a pussy. Then after they both get thrown out you can assume Ed's position. Not to worry, I've got a special comb and shampoo that will those little buggers right out.

Man, I wrote too much about the first situation. I feel bad. This is too long. Although my knowledge is vast, I'd better not write more just now. Yeah. Screw it. Where's my whiskey?

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©

Finnegan Schall has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His drinking credentials include: out-drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill). Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze and what’s your name lover?”