Target Needs a Bar
If a guy can live in WalMart for 41 Days, I can live at Target forever: on one condition.
by LaToya Prater

I can't go into Target without dropping at least $100. It's breaking me. That place is discount heaven (except kind of expensive), without all the circus freaks, complete lack of interior eye-appeal and general detritus you have to deal with at WalMart.

The problem is, it's taking away from my drinking money. Sure, now my bathroom accessories all match, I have the latest quick mousse haircolor (washes out in 10 washes - no commitment!), nine pair of gauchos (at $9.95 each I had to have every color), all my prescriptions are filled and I have an unholy addiction to Choxie (the chocolate with moxie!), but now I can barely afford even the cheapest of draws (and not nearly enough of them) at my favorite watering hole.

What if Target had "Adult Target (alcohol served)" and "Everyone Else Target (who cares?)" - or else a VIP room where over-21 shoppers could drink, smoke, play pool, and try out new products (like video games and Super Soakers)?

Even the liquor license would be a pittance compared to the money they would make. It would then truly be one-stop shopping. In fact, there would really be no reason for me to leave. Especially if it's a Super Target with a grocery store.

I would just move in. I mean, Skyler Bartels lived for 41 days in a WalMart. Of course, he had a scraggly beard and no sense of style, but still. I couldn't survive ONE day in WalMart. If it had a bar, I might make it to four or five hours, tops.

But I could live a comfortable rest of my life in a Target with a bar. I bet they would even eventually name the bar whatever I wanted. My first choice is "Barget." But I have a lot of other original ideas as well:

Fitz's Blarney Target
Target Beach
Dave's Stagecoach Target
Harry's Target and Tables
Buzzard Target
The Target Room
Chez Target (SHAY tar-JAY)
Velvet Target
O'Targets

I'm pretty sure I'll have the ear of the top people at Target headquarters. There's no ignoring this kind of genius and reason.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KCK, Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: alcohol, writing fiction and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).