Drunk of the Month: May 2006
The KING of Cinco de
Mayo, General Ignacio Seguin Zaragoza
KCD: So you look a little old to be drinking down the tequila like that, how old
are you, General?
Ignacio: I am 177 years young my friend! It is the agave that keeps my movements
spry and my tactics wise.
KCD: You're the man that started it all. The General behind the celebration. . .Cinco de Mayo! Nice work.
Americans love this holiday and most of us have no idea why or what it even represents. Do
you usually sit back and enjoy a few drinks over the ass-whipping you gave the French?
Ignacio: Frog-eating little worms wanted our tequila! This is the
reason we kicked those frilly French bastards in the cohones! That girly little Napoleon
was not going to get a foothold on our land and give it to some sissy named Maximilian.
The French only wanted this land to ruin the tequila. "Bubbly tequila?" we asked
ourselves. what the hell is wrong with these French devils?
KCD: The French wanted the agave?
Ignacio: Si!
KCD: To make a light tasty bubbly drinking aperitif?
Ignacio: Si. Can you believe that shit?
KCD: No, but we've had our dealings with the French in Westport a few times and it
wasn't pretty. You know the funniest thing about the French?
Ignacio: You know of only one funny thing about the French?
KCD: You're right. Let's not go in that direction. This is about you, sir! Tell
me, what's it like having all the statues of yourself around Texas and Mexico?
Ignacio: It is terrifying! I do not like the little angel statuaries in
cemeteries, I can see them move out of the corner of my eyes! I can only imagine what the
statues of me are doing to people. No! I will not go near them.
KCD: Interesting. Tell me about all the historical locations, like your childhood
home, the military academy you attended in Mexico or the forts of Loreto and Guadalupe
where you kicked French ass. Do you visit any of these places anymore?
Ignacio: No, senor. I mainly hang out at Buzzard Beach, and sometimes, if I'm
feeling a little loco, I head over to Aces and 8s on Shawnee Mission Parkway. It's new!
They have many games and cheap women. They have tequila.
KCD: Ah, yes. The fine women of Kansas City. What type do you go for?
Ignacio: Most of her own teeth. That's good enough for me. I like the senoritas
closer to my age, although that saucy little LaToya could probably give me a run for my money! Heh, heh **more
laughter that turns into a five-minute coughing fit**
KCD: You OK, there, General?
Ignacio: ˇSí! Tengo gusto de más tequila. ˇTengo gusto de un fuego de la pradera!
KCD: Hey, English here, Pedro. You must have some pretty interesting battle scars
- can you show us one?
Ingacio: No, but I can show you this tattoo I got of Betty Boop. Like Betty Boop. "Boop" rhyme
with "poop." Like…(slurs unintelligibly) like…pooooop.
KCD: I think you're well on your way to wasted, my friend. Any big plans in
Westport tonight?
Ignacio: (snores)
THE END
