Your Drunken Future Revealed
by LaToya Prater

Aries
You did the right thing. While it never hurts to be patient, bashing her head in during a drunken rage will make for quieter evenings and more relaxing days.

Leo
There's possibility in every situation, but in order to see it, you have to ensure your date is drunk and/or drugged. Keep him or her incoherent, and you'll find a way to work that cattle prod into the festivities.

Sagittarius
Are you ready for some changes to your routine? Here they are: whiskey instead of scotch, tequila instead of sake and sloe gin instead of cranberry juice. Variety is the spice of life.

Taurus
You keep your eyes blearily on the prize - the prize being making it to the toilet instead of puking in your girlfriend's clean laundry basket.

Virgo
Your energy is all over the place right now, but if you drink heavily, it will ebb away into a drunken stupor even Hemingway would be proud of.

Capricorn
You and an old buddy have been through everything together. Except, of course, having sex with one-legged Thai whores while rolling through a wheat field trying to escape the thrashing teeth of a combine. But that night is coming soon.

Gemini
You know that you have a gift when it comes to disseminating information. And inseminating family members.

Libra
You're going to have one heck of a great day this month. However, after it's over, your entire life will resume its dull pointlessness. You should consider ending it before you have that good day, because really, it's only going to make things worse.

Aquarius
No matter how much you push, a connection you've been hoping for may just not click. Don't feel bad about this - sometimes learning where he lives so you can stalk him and eat some of his hair for power isn't really what the doctor ordered.

Cancer
Yep. It's definitely cancer. At least now you won't have to worry about liver damage.

Scorpio
When a golden monkey comes along, he may whisper instructions like "eat the vomit, you crazy son of a bitch." But you don't really have to.

Pisces
Yes, you've been hurt before, but that's part of life. Have a drink and shut the fuck up.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of Kansas City, Kan., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).