Drunk of the Month: March 2006
KCD: Let's just get right to it.
You're…um…pretty well endowed on top. People make a lot of comments about your
boobs. How do you feel about that?
Jessica: Not so bad really. My boobs may be liked
more than I am, but you can't beat that when something on your body is liked more than you
are.
KCD: I could be wrong, but I could swear the Left one was a competitor on
Jeopardy a few years back. Is that true or am I confusing it with Louie Anderson?
Jessica: Actually no that is true. It didn't make it
that far.
KCD: What was the question that tripped up the Left boob?
Jessica: I don't know. I didn't watch Jeopardy then.
I preferred reruns of It's A Living.
KCD: They say some women have one boob bigger than the other. Would you
say one's a little bigger?
Jessica: Unfortunately not - they're both fucking
gigantic.
KCD: Well, moving on. Any good KCD Spotlight Drunk worth his or her salt
has been arrested at least once. How many times have you been arrested and which was the
worst?
Jessica: I've actually been arrested three times.
The first one I don't like to talk about because it's been expunged from my record, so
we'll just pretend that didn't happen. The second time was fun. I was down south for
Spring Break. I thought it would be a really good idea if I jumped off the balcony naked
into the pool (like, three times) but the security guard - not so much. Now I probably
wouldn't have gotten arrested except that I was running back up the stairs wearing a
monkey thong yelling "Hey, I have a wet monkey!" and next thing you know, I've
also got cuffs on.
KCD: Uh…what's a monkey thong?
Jessica: (as if we really should know better) It's
just a regular thong but it has a crazy dancing monkey on it.
KCD: Uh huhhh. When was the first time you got drunk?
Jessica: 17 shots of Goldschlager. That's why I
still hate cinnamon stuff today. I got so shitfaced. I was living in an apartment with my
mom at the time and I fell out of the car that dropped me off. My mom was outside and
she's like "Are you OK?" and I said I was fine but I fell in through the front
door, onto the floor, got rug burn on my face, my brother comes and starts kicking me and
then I started puking all over the whole place and I was hung over for three days.
KCD: And how old were you? Five? Six?
Jessica: 16. Sorry to bust your bubble.
KCD: What's your drink of choice?
Jessica: It used to be tequila 'til I ended up
puking naked off my balcony and 11:30 at night. And when I fell off the barstool at
Buzzard Beach the same night because someone was trying to take a shot off my tits (and
LaToya paid me to make sure I added it wasn't HER).
KCD: That sounds like quite a night. What was the occasion?
Jessica: My 21st birthday.
KCD: When was that?
Jessica: This past fall.
KCD: I think we'll have plenty of fans who want to meet you. The ones who
arent' in prison for sleeping with 16-year-olds. There seems to be a pattern with you
ending up naked a lot. Why?
Jessica: Naked's the best. Naked volleyball, naked
tree climbing. Especially when you have your face shoved in your mom's crotch…can't
beat that.
KCD: Oh, Christ. I think we have the money quote.
(Random drunk guy at bar): Hey! What's your favorite hole?
Jessica: I'm a back door kind of girl.
KCD: Where did you grow up?
Jessica: North Carolina. I want to change my answer
about the worst time I ever got arrested. 'Cause that first one I ended up with Kevin the
cop getting my number and taking me out and really the worst time was this other time when
they actually put us in orange jumpsuits and put us in a cell block with this woman who
smelled really bad.
KCD: And…after that particular bender, how did you smell?
Jessica: Maybe not good, but…but…I hope
better than her!
KCD: Why is your nickname "Give the Bitch a Ring?"
Jessica: That's my hash name.
KCD: Yes. You are a member of the Kansas City Hash House Harriers. And, as
we well know, after five hashes, you get a name. What does yours mean?
Jessica: Anyone who wants to know that will just
have to come hash. You know if I tell them I have to kill all of them.
KCD: Right! And that reminds me, what was the name of the first boyfriend
you ever had with a shaved head?
(silence)
(more silence)
And…scene.
