Missouri Lawmaker Unwavering Policy about Warm Beer and Other Stuff
By special KCD news correspondent The Duke of Hurl

KANSAS CITY, Jan. 5, 2006 -- A Missouri lawmaker says his proposal to prohibit stores from selling cold beer to reduce drunken driving should be expanded to include bars, restaurants and backyard barbecues.

"Warm beer is the way to go. It works for the British,'' said state Sen. Bill Alter, a Republican from High Ridge. "You never see the Brits with all the drunken-driving arrests that we have here in Missouri and all across America.

"Cold beer is one of the greatest threats to our national security, even almost as much as Osama bin Laden and Saddam Hussein,'' Alter emphasized. "How many times has someone driven into a Quik Trip, popped an ice-cold overpriced beer and then plowed into a family just walking down the street, minding their own business?'' Alter asked.

"I don't know, but I'm sure it's happened somewhere in Missouri," he said.

Alter said he wants convenience stores and supermarkets to sell only warm beer, to reduce the temptation to drink and drive.

"Nobody really likes warm beer, not even the Brits," Alter said. "If we can just force people -- when they buy their beer -- into a cooling-off period of sorts, Missouri will be a better and safer place to live."

Alter admitted to getting his warm-beer idea from a 5th-grade student, but "I get a lot of my ideas from elementary school students. Just because they're little people doesn't mean they can't have big minds. Or do I just have a little mind? Whatever."

It was unclear exactly how much beer knowledge the 5th-grader had, and whether the idea was based on his personal experience or that of his parents.

"My research has shown that cold beer leads to some of our greatest societal problems," Alter said. "Cold beer can lead to excess fun, sex, pregnancy and even teen pregnancy -- not to mention abortion. And we just can't have that if we expect to have a vibrant, successful state."

Missouri Gov. Matt Blunt, who, at age 35, can actually remember 5th grade, said he tentatively endorses Alter's idea -- pending the outcome of a focus group and task force studying the issue at the high expense of Missouri tax payers.

"As governor, I have to see which way the wind is blowing," Blunt said. "I hope we can sneak this one in under the radar, while everybody's worried about those Kansas yahoos and their intelligent design stuff."

Alter said he wasn't worried about the public perception of his warm beer idea.

"Hey, if it makes Missouri a laughingstock across America, then so be it," Alter said. "At least it'll be a safer place for us to live. And I'm really not worried about a massive influx of Brits driving drunk on our Missouri highways and by-ways.

"In fact, I think I'll ask Gov. Blunt to increase funding for Missouri tourism and target Britain. Those blokes need somewhere they can come and enjoy a warm beer, just like they do across the pond."

Blunt said he'd consider that proposal, but wanted to see how well the warm beer idea floated first.

Alter said he had other ideas too, including closing half the Wal-Marts in Missouri, flooding Kauffman Stadium and turning it into a water park, and making riverboat casinos alcohol-free.

"The future is limitless and I have power," Alter said. "It's terribly exciting."

The Duke of Hurl is actually a 5th-grade student who enjoys hiding in the closets and boudoirs of local politicians. He gets most of his best "interviews" by recording what our lawmakers say in front of the mirror or in the shower when they think no one's listening. After living in Kansas City for awhile, the Duke fled north to Canada, where he enjoys consulting local politicians on important policy, drinking warm beer and spending time with his dog, Matty Blunt, named after his favorite Missouri governor (the dog's favorite, not the Duke's).

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©