Ike's DWI Awareness Test
By Ike Hill

Cops are trained to be tricky psychological street interrogators. Most are highly adept at determining your mental state with just a few simple questions. With this guide, you will be able to understand what answers they are looking for, and possibly be able to beat the system if the need arises. Please mark your answers, using a No. 2 pencil, on a separate sheet of paper and compare them to the answer key at the end. Whatever.

The Questions:

Cop: Drivers license and proof of insurance?
A: "Well, my license is revoked and my SR-22 expired almost a year ago."
B: Hand the officer a fishing license and twenty bucks.
C: "I was only going to leave a ten spot, but instead it looks like I left my wallet and all of its contents on your mother's dresser."
D: "Here is everything you requested, officer. Would you like my license and registration as well?"

Cop: What is your destination?
A: "A bar." (be exact and make sure you're actually heading in that direction).
B: A different bar, the one above was lame.
C: I'm off to bail my dumbass drinking partner out of jail.
D: "Your Mom's house, so hurry it up! All my buddies are waiting for me there."

Cop: Do you realize you were swerving?
A: "What? You didn't see that squirrel?"
B: "I know. I dropped my smoke in my crotch and I think I burned a nut."
C: "Swerving? I didn't do no stinking SWERVING!" (be sure to slur this and then laugh uproariously at your own clever wit, blowing the distinct fumes of alcohol in aforementioned cop's face)
D: "Sorry, I was just reminiscing about what great head your Mom just gave me."

Cop: Did you see either the stop sign you blew through or the mailbox you ran over?
A: "That mailsign was an illegal color, and that damn stopbox was asking for it!"
B: "Hey. Your Mom promised I could get away with anything now that my stepson's a cop."
C: "I want to call my lawyer!"
D: "Oh Man! I saw it all! Wasn't that awesome?"

Cop: Please step out of the car.
A: "I don't think I can. I'm kinda weak in the knees after spending the evening with your Mom."
B: Roll up the windows, lock the doors, and pass out.
C: Hold down the car horn and keep yelling, "WHAT?"
D: Okay.

Cop: Step out of the car! (Gun drawn)
A: "Yes, sir."
B: "Immediately, sir."
C: "Are you planning on doing to me what I just did to your Mom?"
D: Pop four Tums Ultra (foaming action) and fake a seizure.

Answer Key:
First the obvious answers, and why they are wrong.

Cop: Drivers license and proof of insurance.
D: Here is everything you requested officer. Would you like my license and registration as well?
Explanation: It always seems like a good idea to answer a question with a question, but this action will likely make the Officer suspicious.

Cop: What is your destination?
A: A bar.
Explanation: It may seem like a good idea to let them think you are on your way to go get drunk, but now you are locked into a lecture about drinking and driving.

Cop: Do you realize you were swerving?
A: What? You didn't see that squirrel?
B: Yeah! I dropped my smoke in my crotch and I think I burned a nut.
Explanation: While humor may save the day in the workplace, here it will just get you a cavity search.

Cop: Did you see either the stop sign you blew through, or the mailbox you ran over?
C: I want to call my lawyer!
Explanation: Don't bother. You know you don't have a lawyer and you're just going to call your buddy who's already at the bar and half crocked. He'll yell things like "WHAT?" and "YOU'RE WHERE, COCKSUCKER?" loud enough for everyone to hear, which is always a giveaway he's not a **real** lawyer.

Cop: Please step out of the car.
B: Roll up the windows, lock the doors, and pass out.
C: Hold down the car horn and keep yelling, "WHAT?"
D: Okay.
Explanation: You'll just end up with a broken window, placement in a group home or bending over on top of your hood.

Cop: Step out of the car! (Gun drawn)
A: Yes Sir.
B: Immediately Sir.
D: Pop four Tums Ultra and fake a seizure.
Explanation: Have you ever felt the full force of fifty thousand volts from a Taser gun? In this situation you're about to. I personally choose option "D" every time.

So I hope you've learned that obviously, Mom jokes are the best way to go. Public law enforcement officials love jokes about their mothers. This insider hint may one day save you from Johnny Law. Mom jokes bring out a sense of camaraderie with the officer and allow you to bond with him. If your situation is truly dire, Mom jokes may be your only possible way out.

Good luck and safe driving,
Ike

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2006 ©

Eisenhower ‘Ike’ Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO.  He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.