Back to School with the Bottle
by LaToya Prater
Just because you're back in the classroom (or office, or church) doesn't mean the
fun party times are over. Here are some quick tips for keeping your best friend close at
hand.
1. Gatorade Frost (a.k.a., a gin and tonic): Get that Gatorade
flavor that's sort of a murky white (I think it's Alpine Snow). Get rid of the Gatorade.
Fill with gin and tonic instead - looks (and pretty much smells) exactly the same. Perfect
for those long road trips.
2. Clever flasks: A good flask that doesn't look like one is a
must for the true drinker. The retro binoculars and the cell phone flasks are particular
favorites of mine.
http://www.after5catalog.com
http://www.flaskshop.com
http://www.cellphoneflasks.com/floppyflask.html
3. The false book: Take that useless textbook or company employee
manual and carve out the guts of the pages. Store your favorite flask and/or beverage in
the hollow. Reading has never been so much fun.
4. Hot water bottle: Whether it's cramps or kidney stones you're
pretending to have, carrying a nice hot water bottle around full of your favorite beverage
is double the fun: garner sympathy from hot guys or girls while steadily working toward
you're goal of getting drunk.
5. Garden hoses: Under loose clothing, such as sweatshirts, a
garden hose around the waist is usually undetectable. Cut the length you need, seal off
one end, fill with your favorite booze, and cap the other end. The two ends can be hooked
together in a multitude of ways, from Velcro to plant hooks. Be creative!
6. Women, transvestites, cross-dressers: Bring back the garter!
It's 2005, almost any fashion trend, if carried off with confidence, is acceptable (except
those horrible Zooba pants that Chiefs fans still wear). Bring back that 1920s prohibition
flair with a good garter - perfect for holding a flask. Not recommended to go with that
new mini - for maximum stealth, long skirts are best.
7. Babies: Get someone to lend you their kid, or just wrap up a
doll to look like a sleeping baby. You can hide a lot of good booze in the stroller or
carriage, as well as in the doll (putting booze inside an actual human child is not
recommended, unless it is screaming its head off).
8. The groceries: Carrying a bag of groceries because you
"just didn't have time to run it home" is a great way to drink. Eggs and
coconuts in particular can be drained and refilled with booze. Gently punch a small hole
in the bottom and the top of an egg - over a sink, blow out the insides and then rinse
thoroughly with warm water. Cover one of the openings with a small piece of duct tape, and
fill egg with your favorite shooter. Cover the tops with a tabbed piece of Scotch tape
(for easy removal) and you've got a tray of shooters ready to go!
9. Kansas City Zoo Summer (and Fall) Special: You know how they
sell those giant lemon ices at the zoo? Sneak in a pint or so of bourbon and slowly dump
it in the ice, eating the ice until you have about a 50/50 mix. The booze melts the ice
enough to create a delicious slushy that makes even the white trash and screaming brats
tolerable (from personal experience, KCDrinker warns strongly against giving bourbon to
the orangutans).
10. Send in YOUR favorite ways to conceal booze. The most
creative idea or story wins a KCDrinker beer stein or T-shirt. Click here or send e-mail
to gfv@kcdrinker.com.
