Does Excessive Drinking Make You an Alcoholic?
Barbara Lush, P.B.R., L.S.D.
al·co·hol·ism n. A disorder characterized by the excessive
consumption of and dependence on alcoholic beverages, leading to physical and
psychological harm and impaired social and vocational functioning. Also called alcohol
abuse, alcohol dependence.
And herein lies the problem. Most people see this definition and assume that just
because you can be found doing tequila body shots off the only other person in the bar at
4 p.m. on a Monday, you're one step away from rehab.
Not so. "Excessive consumption" and "dependence" are not
mutually exclusive. Why, I sometimes find myself able to go as long as one or two days
without even thinking about a drink, as long as there's plenty of marijuana or crack
around.
Alcohol abuse? I can count on one hand the times I have
spilled a drink (ONCE) or in any other way abused my alcohol, such as not finishing my
entire drink (NEVER), not screwing the cap on the Cisco tight enough while driving and
losing half the bottle to the glove compartment (ONCE). That's a pretty damn good track
record.
And "excessive consumption" and "physical
and psychological harm and impaired social and vocational functioning"
are definitely not mutually exclusive.
I've never been hurt while drunk (although I've taken some nasty falls down giant
flights of concrete stairs and stuff, but the point is I was never actually hurt, not even
a bruise - a truly miraculous side effect of booze!)
Psychological harm? I am a beacon of saving grace! I am
at my vocational best after a minimum of three six packs, as is evidenced by my career as
an amateur therapist. I have given selflessly of my time and sage advice to help dozens of
people find love, happiness and meaning in their lives, all with my special tender touch
and all with a bottle of Wild Turkey. (ref. http://www.kcdrinker.com/DrLush/DrLush.htm)
In addition to helping others psychologically, I've certainly grown as a person,
learning to be introspective and self-actualized and all that crap AND I've finished
reading the entire Diagnostic Statistical Manual (DSM), AND I did it all on a bar stool
(or on the peanut-, gum-and condom-littered floor under the bar stool).
Impaired social functioning? I think not. Not only am I
always the life of the party (and, most recently, the Hash) I'm also at my wittiest and
most brilliant with the bottle at my side. Just the other night, I was in a club in
Queens, N.Y., and I ran into my old friend Robert Stack, from Unsolved Mysteries.
He staggered up to me and slurred something about "putting his meat in my
poppin' fresh dough" and I slurred right back "I know you are but what am
I?" He came back with "womflpomfymomf" and I had "your mom does your
mom when your mom's mom's not in the…in the…hizzzhouzzz" all ready and
waiting (a real tongue twister!). I got it out clearly and concisely once I clawed my way
up the barstool from which I had slid.
Ha! Can anyone deny the brilliance of witty repartee such as this? And it would
never have been possible without six Long Island Iced Teas and a round of Century Club.
Therefore, it is my amateur opinion that excessive drinking and alcoholism are NOT
the same thing. The only place you'll see me at rehab is sitting behind (or sleeping
under) the desk with the "Counselor" nameplate.
