Human Foibles, Part III
Even When I'm Drunk I'm More Polite Than You
by LaToya Prater

I'm going to rant about tact and manners for a bit, so close this window immediately if you are 99.9 percent of the population. For the rest of you who find the general public blunt and uncouth (otherwise known as diarrhea of the mouth, constipation of the brain), read on.

Fig. 1
I recently got my hair cut. Pretty drastic difference. Here are some of the very first and delightful comments from the mouths of co-workers and people I used to consider friends, and not one of them was even drinking at the time:

"Did you…MEAN…to get it cut that short?"
"What happened?"
"What did you do to your hair?"

and my favorite…

"Oh oh. Someone had a fight with a lawnmower." or
"She looks like the result of an industrial accident!"
By the by, both those gems of wit came from the same person.

Now it's tough enough when you take the plunge into a new look. The last thing you need is people's blatant ignorance and complete lack of wit on top of the adjustment period. If you think someone's hair looks like crap, and you like the person, say nothing, or, if you must speak, come up with a clever euphemism, like "Look at that fancy new cut." (Here, "fancy" is the euphemism for "appalling.")

If you don't like the person, send nasty e-mails about them around to everyone and "accidentally" see that they are copied.

Fig. 2
I weigh 108 lbs. Not at all thin by Kate Moss standards, but here are some of the things people say to me which I find extremely rude:

"You are so skinny you make me sick!"
"Are you anorexic?"
"I hate you."

Now I realize these idiots think they are paying me some sort of backhanded compliment, but I don't see how "I hate you" can be construed in a positive way.

Particularly when I've been drinking, I like to handle these asswipes by turning the same tactic back on the speaker. For example:

("You are so skinny you make me sick!")
"I understand how you feel; you are so FAT it makes me sick. I hope I never get that fat."

("Are you anorexic?")
"No, I just haven't pooped out five kids like you have. Which reminds be of something I've been meaning to ask: isn't there surgery that can help those draggy bags you call tits?"

("I hate you.")
"I hate you, too. I mean, you're very unattractive, your hair is lank and greasy, and you have no sense of style whatsoever."

So you see? You catch more roses with honey than flies with Busch Light, or whatever. But I do hope that by setting an excellent example of grace, tact and politeness myself, I can help others see the light.

And…scene.


- www.KCDrinker.com - 2005 ©

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).