Dr. Lush Helps Dozens Get Laid
by LaToya Prater and Dr. Barbara Lush, P.B.R., L.S.D.
We all know our beloved Dr. Lush is a good-for-nothing drunk. That's why we hired
her. But it has come to our attention from some of our readers that her recent reply to
one of your desperate queries was so right on, it has already helped dozens of men in the
Kansas City area get laid.
Executed with the tact, grace and finesse that can only be associated with Dr.
Lush, this poignant reply is sure to tug at your heartstrings (and your fly).
So, in case you missed it the first time, here is the Dr. Lush
"Kwik-Gide" to picking up chicks.
(original letter)
Dear Dr. Lush,
Please tell me how to propose to girls? Can you give me a step-by-step manual with
samples of the words I must tell her and how to approach them. THank you very much
Dr Lush for finding someone like you.
-Sibusiso
(Dr. Lush's reply)
Dear Samurai,
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, or whatever. Clearly English isn't your native language,
and that could be why you're having problems communicating with the ladies. First of all
son, this ain't Utah. If you're talking about "proposing" you're talking about
marriage, and unless you're a Mormon, you can't marry multiple women in this country.
However, you are probably just looking to score a little spanky spanky of an evening, and
fortunately for you, hitting on girls in America is a piece of cake as long as you
remember we're all really, really easy.
Here's your no-fail manual for picking up trim in Kansas City:
1. Always be sure to get really, really drunk first, preferably in a public
location. You'll know you're ready when you have trouble maintaining your footing and
can't seem to have a coherent thought.
Dr. Lush TIP: You're good and loaded when you begin singing all
the songs in the jukebox at the top of your voice and can't remember a single word
correctly.
2. Now's the time to scope out that hot chick you noticed earlier, sidle up and
make brazen overtures.
Dr. Lush TIP: Be sure to find the hot chick(s) you liked when you
were SOBER. If you wait to scope out chicks when your beer goggles are five inches thick,
you'll end up with a Russian mail order bride named Tyrell.
3. Here's the easy part: Start talking. Be sure to immediately invade her personal
space so she knows you mean business. Spitting a little when you talk is hot, wet and
considered very sexy by American women. When she tries to move away, or looks at you with
revulsion, be sure to clumsily grab at her arm or hair, letting her know you are BY NO
MEANS going to leave her alone. Don't bother with small talk. Get right to it. For
example:
"Yourrrr hot. Leth…letzzz…let's go back to my apartment. Can you
drive, though? I don't haffff a carrrr."
Dr. Lush TIP: American women are very liberated and appreciate
being able to take the lead wherever possible: picking up the tab, doing all the driving,
doing your laundry and cooking your meals.
"I wan…wanna….do nathty…I mean, nasty things to you. Letzzz go
in the bathroom and make out."
Dr. Lush TIP: Be sure to follow a promise like this up with a
grand finale, like puking or passing out.
"I'm desperate for a girlfriend, but I'd settle for ssssome ass. Can you help
me out?"
Dr. Lush TIP: American women love a man who's not afraid to be
totally pitiful and needy. It shows sensitivity, and chicks love that.
4. By now, there is probably a cop, security guard or bouncer trying to escort you
out of the bar. If you peer through your beer goggles and this individual looks like it
might possibly be female, go back to step three, rinse, lather, repeat.
Hopefully you get the idea. With these tips in mind, you're sure to score.
Jackass.
