Ike's guide to Drunken Drinker Interpretation
Part I, The Classics
by Ike Hill and LaToya Prater
There is a multitude of ways to "read" people. Their movements,
mannerisms, eye contact, and even the shoes on their feet give away what type of person
they are. But it's not as fun to stereotype a person in these ways alone when a boozier
alternative is at hand. Drink interpretation will change the way you perceive an
individual, allowing you to be a far more judgmental ass than you already are.
Vodka or Gin Martini:
Shake the vodka or gin, with a number of ice cubes, strain into a cocktail glass, whisper
"vermouth" in the next room, add the olive and serve.
This drink tells people you are a sophisticate and know how to handle your booze.
Note: Passing out, slurring, tripping or puking after one martini could severely hamper
this image.
Men
If you see a man with this drink and he's not in a suit, or located in a business or
wealthy setting, stay away. The guy's a prick, poser, living in the 50's, got a small
penis, or lives with his mother.
Women
This drink makes females look sexy and seductive. And that's where it ends. This is a girl
that will drain your wallet. If you're not going to pay for her next five martinis, forget
it. However, on occasion, this is also a girl that will show you a good time and probably
not even remember it. Be sure to deposit her on her own stoop or porch BEFORE she comes
to, and you're home free.
Jack and Coke:
Pour jack Daniels into large glass filled with ice. Pour Coca-Cola into glass. Stir
lightly. Feeling cheap and dangerous? Use Old Crow instead of Jack Daniels.
A drink made with caffeine and bourbon, brilliant!
Men: Designated drivers try to pass off a glass of coke as a Jack and Coke. You
might be made to look like the sober narc trying to blend in. They're good, but watch your
back.
Women: Again, clearly this chick is still a little prissy about drinking, but
definitely getting there. Men will buy you as many as you want. Be ready for the ugly
strange fellow in your bed the following morning.
Gin and Tonic:
Pour the gin and the tonic water into a highball glass almost filled with ice cubes. Stir
well. Garnish with the lime wedge.
A lovely, refreshing summer drink, but only if you are part of the .001% that
likes gin.
Men
Don't even be caught drinking one of these, unless you are doing dead soldier
patrol and just scored it off of an evacuated table.
Women
There's a great ploy to be had here. Ask for your G&T in a tall water glass. Hide the
lime and stir sticks. Men will come up to you and say something dumb, like "What're
you drinking, water??" Blink demurely, stick your boobs out and say "yeah, I'm
outta cash." If they started talking to you in the first place, they will most likely
buy your drinks for as long as you can stand using them to do so.
Cape Cod:
Pour Vodka and Cranberry Juice into a High Ball glass over ice. Stir well, add the wedge
of lime, and serve.
One of the best vodka delivery systems to ever come out of the East coast.
Men
It's pink! You got me, right? Do I need to tell you how absolutely fabulous you will look
drinking this? Get OUT of here with your crazy metro-sexual self!
Women
A pleasant way to get smashed on vodka, and the cranberry juice is good for your bladder
and kidneys and crap, which you'll need if you're going to have intercourse with that
filthy boy you picked up in the bar like a brazen hussy.
Long Island Iced Tea:
Mix Vodka, Tequila, Light rum, and Gin in a highball glass and stir gently. Add dash of
Coca-Cola for the coloring and garnish with lemon or lime twist.
The best drink ever designed by a team of international scientists.
Men
Everyone will know you are a raging drunk. The women that should be scared off will be,
and the ones that want you will be slurping down the same thing.
Women
You'll be good and wasted for sure, but it will be such an enjoyable and tasty trip, you
won't care. Beware the urge to drink other things afterward. If you're doing the Long
Island, stay on the Island. Don't mix with this. Also avoid the urge to keep your bra ON.
Screwdriver:
Put three ice cubes into a highball glass. Pour in vodka. Fill balance of glass with
orange juice, stir and serve.
The screwdriver is a classic for health nuts that like a good strong buzz. It's
also an "I hate the taste of booze" favorite.
Men
Generally men drinking these are fighting off a bad case of scurvy. This guy is not a
trendsetter. Beer is too weak, and whiskey is too much. He's got a vodka delivery system
that's easy and tastes good. Watch out, that orange juice-vodka puke will burn holes
through concrete.
Women
A screwdriver says, "This woman has moved past wine coolers, and is ready for more
serious lessons in debauchery." She likes the buzz, but hates the booze, but
something that tastes like breakfast is A-OK. And nothing is going to stop her from puking
on the first date.
Seven & Seven:
Put a few cubes of ice inside glass. Pour shot of Seagram 7 into the glass, and then pour
7-UP into glass. Shake or stir briskly.
A true classic, "Build a beer from scratch" recipe.
Men
If you see a man walking around with what looks like a beer full of ice, he's not there to
promote ice cold beverages. This guy is trying to hard to prove he is not a beer drinker.
A fancy lad on a budget, that's all there is to it!
Women
This is a girl who wants to be a beer drinker but hasn't overcome the "taste."
If you're a man hoping to get in her pants, oversee her drinks, make sure she orders a
"tall" one. Shorties are a waste of time.
And lastly and most important, BEER.
Choose favorite variety. Suck it right out of the bottle or pour in glass. Enjoy.
Men
You should all be drinking this. Any man who isn't is probably on a "low carb
diet" and hence a fussy high-maintenance pain in the ass.
Women
If she's hot and slugging a decent beer right out of the bottle, she's your dream woman.
Beer-drinking women in general are desirable, because this means they like their booze,
and they aren't afraid to drink it in the primary form God intended.
Drinking something we didn't mention this round?
Tell us about it and we'll tell you why you might or might not be inadequate.
All mixes graciously stolen from http://www.webtender.com
