Fun and Frisky Fashion KCD Style
from Fashion Lush LaToya Prater

Tips for Smelling Sweet All Through Your Bender

Ah, breathe deep. Spring is just beginning to tinge the air with the sweet scent of blossoms and bird song. But wait. What's that OTHER smell?

How embarrassing is it when you're sitting at your favorite watering hole, and someone breezes in from the outside, freshly washed and perfumed? Perhaps they greet you with a hug, and as you smell their designer soap and cologne, you are ashamedly reminded that you have been sitting in a cloud of smoke and beer fumes for the past two hours. You pull away, hoping they haven't noticed that the distinct aroma of dead hobo is coming from you.

Should you find yourself without your favorite scent, here are a few bar shortcuts that will keep you satisfying even the most discerning of olfactory senses all night long.

Lemon and Urinal Cake: Starting to stink already? Grab a few slices of lemon from the bar "buffet," and then sneak into the men's. Get a urinal cake (these are those round things sitting in the urinals, usually white, pink or blue). Squirt the lemon onto the urinal cake until it fizzes up, then dab the mixture behind each ear and behind each knee cap (especially if you're wearing that hot new mini skirt). You'll have that fresh citrus and paradichlorobenzene feeling all night!

Lavatory Underarm Saver: Pits of Despair? Go in the bathroom, remove shirt, squirt some lavatory soap on your hands and rub it on your pits. Allow to air dry or contortion yourself so you can dry your pits under the hand blower. This is also a great alternative for hippies and people who won't spring for good deodorant.

Burnt Stuff Other than Cigarettes: The sweet tang of burning paper and some plastics can make for a SCENTillating aroma. Find a small space, like a running car, lock yourself in and start burning loose papers or plastics, like sunglasses or pieces of the car interior you don't really need. Stay in with the windows rolled up as long as possible to allow the smoky aroma to permeate your hair and clothes. If you pass out, you probably burned something plastic that had poisonous fumes. Hopefully, you'll be missed and someone will pull you from the toxic space. If not, you will die and it won't matter what you smell like.

The Pick-Pocket: Why purchase or carry your own scent when you can steal it from other people? If you see someone carrying a pocket scent, go up and tell them how great they smell and ask what they're wearing (if you're a guy and a homophobe, you won't want to do this to another guy, so enlist a chick to do it). A little bit later, steal it.

Refreshing Vodka Bath: Wait for the bartender to look away or go shoot pool, then sneak behind the bar and grab a full bottle of Executive's Choice vodka (sold in plastic gallon jugs at Sam's Club, and trust me, it's probably what you're getting in your drink even though you ordered Grey Goose). Uncap the bottle, and in full view of everyone, dump it over your head, making sure to splash all areas of your body evenly. While you're doing this, be sure to shake your head back and forth and gyrate in pleasure so you look extra sexy while you're dumping a bottle of vodka on your head. Don't worry, everyone will stop to stare, and you will automatically look like you're moving in slow motion. A big talent agent will probably see all of this and make you the next star of the Herbal Essences commercials.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).