The Underdog's Guide to Bar Fighting
by Ken "No Bitterness Here" Flan
So some shit head gave you the "fuck you" look from across the bar or
some dip shit bumped you a little too hard or some asshole is hitting on your girl or
maybe someone is making out with the drunk chick that would have gone home with you if
only you had seen her first (and she had had three more martinis).
Before you start swinging those fists and proving your manhood, there's something
you need to know: you are probably the UNDERDOG (like so many of us guys who just want to
drink and hit on women way too young for us in peace) and you are about to get your ass
kicked... unless you read this article (OK, probably even after reading the article).
We've all seen boxing matches. There's a referee. You get time to sit down and
think about your next strategy. If you are getting pummeled, they stop the fight.
This is not a boxing match.
A more likely scenario is that some guy twice your size (you only feel bigger
because you're drunk) will have you by the hair or skin on top of your head and he will be
pounding you with the other fist while your hysterical girlfriend holds your hands behind
your back, screaming "don't fight him!!!"
After eight to 22 seconds, the fight is over and you have been beat to a pulp
while having your hands immobilized, the bouncer is kicking you out and your girlfriend is
pissed that you got in a fight. She will undoubtedly stay behind and screw the first loser
that comes along and you can't do anything about it because you are now banned from your
favorite bar.
Since I already got my ass kicked, I'll pass on these things I learned too little
too late, and maybe they'll help you. But they probably won't.
Rule 1
Stay a good distance from your girlfriend.
Having a 5'-1" sorority girl in front of you, holding you back while you
point your finger saying "I'd kick your ass if she wasn't holding me back" fools
no one, so lose the chick.
He's pissed you off and you deck him. Now the fight is on. As his three friends
hold your arms and he beats the ever living shit out of you, it is a good time to start
sounding like the turtle screaming "help me Mr. Wizard, I don't want to be a bar
fighter anymore!"
But if you are determined:
Rule 2
Do not to have the fight in "his" bar.
If you are in "your" bar you better make sure everyone knows that you
were totally innocent and that he started the whole thing. Otherwise, you will be
sanctioned.
But since asking him if he'd meet you elsewhere to carry on in 10-15 minutes won't
work, here is what will probably happen.
He throws the first punch and you are nimble enough to dodge just enough that it
doesn't hurt but makes him the instigator.
Now you swing and you slip on a bar napkin or a puddle of beer or the girlfriend
you just threw on the floor to get her out of your way. You knock down a server with a
tray full of beers half the bar has been waiting for and knock over a table where a man
was about to propose to the love of his life.
You hit the floor and slip all over getting up, just in time for several pissed
off customers to hold your arms and take turns beating the crap out of you.
Rule 3
Always size up your environment before the fight.
By now it's clear how this thing will end: someone will hold you while someone
else beats you senseless.
But rest assured the fight will probably be short-lived. Just as some people like
to fight, some people love to break fights up.
If you are really lucky, three or four beautiful women will be fighting over who
holds the bar towel full of ice on your bloody face. And if you are luckier, some cute
woman will be there shaking from the hormones of watching this testosterone filled event
and breathing the pheromones released as a result of all of the adrenaline you burned. She
won't even make it to the parking lot before insisting on sex.
But you're not lucky, you're a miserable pitiful worm, so forget any of that
happening.
In conclusion, next time you get the urge to fight, forget about it. Have another
beer and a shot and maybe a glass of whiskey. The hangover will be much shorter
lived...believe me I found out the hard way.
But at least I try to stay positive.
Love,
Scientist Ken
Ken "The Scientist" Flan a.k.a. "Bitter Ken"
is a highly respected molecular scientist. During the late 1980s he was assumed to be the
next winner of the Nobel Prize for his work in the field of genetically enhanced hops and
barley. His theory of creating a 300-proof alcoholic beverage was recorded in JAMA in
1998, and came to life in early 2001. Ken currently spends his time reading Braille
releases on a variety of alcohol related topics, and claims to be the world's number one
expert on rejuvenating methanol- induced blindness.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©
