Eight Great Historical Drinks and Their Origins
Past Perspectives on Boozing in the Modern World
By Ike Hill, Ph.Drunk.

History is filled with great men and women doing terribly odd things. Occasionally one of them rises above the status quo, and becomes recognized for their particular acts. These are a few of those over-achievers for which eternal recognition has been granted in the honorary form a having a drink named after them.

Alexander the Great "The Alexander"
Well-educated by "The Throttle of Knowledge" Aristotle, Alex was not ready to command the Macedonian throne after his father's assassination. But hey, it's proof that philosophers might be great advisers, but lack the general skills to make snap decisions which could affect the lives of someone other than the people who will die centuries after they do.

After much drinking, which didn't involve gin, white Crème de Cacao, or light cream, Alex seized a little more power and demolished his more sober enemies. With the help of promoting slavery, and a few Oracles telling him "my son, you are invincible!" Alex's cocky drunkenness drove him to establish a domination of the known world.

Believing he was a god, he died at the unimpressive age of 33 (your KCDrinker staff is already close to beating that!) He also really liked his mom, and never found the right girl. Our experts believe that is why his drink contains white Crème de Cacao.

4 cl (1 shot) gin
2 cl (1/2 shot) white Crème de Cacao.
4-6 cl light cream.
Shake with ice in a cocktail shaker.
Strain into a cocktail glass.
Throw up as needed.

Mary I of England "The Bloody Mary"
Named for Mary I, Queen of England (1553-1558), who was known for her bloody persecution of innocent Bushmills drinkers (a.k.a, Protestants).

Considered by most to be the ultimate salad, this drink delivers all the daily-recommended vitamins and nutrients. If properly made, it provides a satisfying meal that can leave you sleeping in the bar bathroom of your choice.

Vatican scholars credit this concoction to Fernand "Pete" Petoit, a New York Bartender of French lineage. Shortly after prohibition, mixers were harder to find than booze, and this hero of binge created what is possibly the healthiest cocktail ever.

1 1/2 oz vodka.
3 ea drops tabasco sauce.
3 oz tomato juice.
1 x Pepper; to taste.
1 x Horseradish; to taste.
1 ea Lemon; juiced.
1 x Celery Salt; to taste.
1/2 ts Worcestershire sauce.
Shake with ice and strain into old-fashioned glass over ice cubes. A celery stick or wedge of lime may be added.

Robert Macgregor "The Rob Roy"
Near the turn of the 17th century, a young red-headed Scotsman named Robert "Ruadh" Macgregor found himself in great debt. It appears that building a small fortune from blackmail and trying to go legit afterwards was quite difficult for an 80-proof marinated Scotsman. Heavy debt forced him to go on the run for more than ten years, and subsequently, he missed several Scottish battles (a.k.a. county fairs).

Historians now agree that the origins of this drink were created quite recently. As one prominent Scottish professor put it, "Agghkgch! No Scotsman in his right mind would wash his sheeps' ballsack with Vermouth let alone drink the vile spooououchkh!"

2 part blended whisky (Scotch)
1 part sweet vermouth.
2 dashes Angostura Bitter
Stir and serve in a cocktail or rocks glass, or wash your dog's balls with it

British Navel Surgeon, Sir T.O Gimlette "The Gimlet"
If you have never had the scurvy, let this be a lesson to you. As a sailor in Her Majesty's Royal Fleet a few years back, you were doing well to get rum and hardtack (baked flour, water, and salt). As it turns out, neither of these staples contain any vitamin C. A lack of vitamin C in the diet will cause weakness, anemia, gum disease (gingivitis) and skin hemorrhages.

Being an educated officer, Sir Gimlette found that adding a little lime juice to the officers' favorite limey liquor, gin, would save them from the common ills of a life at sea. And while hordes of common sailors criss-crossed the seas in misery, this noble man saved ten, perhaps twelve, upper-class dentally challenged nobles from suffering the ravages of dry skin or worse.

2 parts gin (or vodka)
1 part lime juice
Shake and strain into a cocktail glass
Decorate with a red maraschino cherry and a lime wedge (if you like wearing pink frilly dresses, ya pansy).

Colonel James K. Rickey "The Gin Rickey"
Following in the footsteps of perhaps one of the greatest military leaders, Colonel James Rickey knew how important morale in the upper ranks of Confederate officers would become. His addition of a splash of club soda to the Gimlett came just months before the South fell. Who knows what could have happened if this tiny but influential addition could have been made to the Confederate war effort earlier??

1 1/4 oz. gin,
splash of lime juice, club soda
Serve over ice in highball glass,
top with splash of soda, garnish with lime wedge

Tom Collins
This drink, like the Manhattan, was stolen by the greedy from the innocent. Named after "Old Tom" Gin, a sweetened version of the liquor created by slaves desiring the taste of juniper and sugar. It went from the backrooms of the plantation to the forefront of Southern society.

Families in America, Australia and England have laid claims, but the proof has never been established. This drink should be held sacred. It should never be allowed to be stolen, monopolized and copyrighted over its simple delivered pleasure. This girly drink drunk concoction must be preserved and forced upon unsuspecting generations to come. They must have the right to feel the head-throbbing goodness the morning after!

2 oz gin.
1 oz lemon juice.
1 tsp superfine sugar.
3 oz club soda.
1 maraschino cherry.
1 slice orange.
In a shaker half-filled with ice cubes, combine the gin, lemon juice and sugar. Shake well. Strain into a Collins glass almost filled with ice cubes. Add the club soda. Stir and garnish with the cherry and the orange slice.

Harvey Wallbanger
It doesn't take a genius to realize that this fine mix in large doses causes the victim to viciously beat his noggin against the proverbial immovable force. Tim, Larry and Fred Wallbanger were all tried for this fictional character's name, but the urban legend goes like this: In California a surfer named Harvey liked his screwdrivers spiked with Galliano. After a bad day, when he lost an important surfing contest, he had one too many. Trying to leave the bar, Harvey stumbled into both furniture and the wall. Being a regular at this bar, and despite his performance, he returned and simply became known as "the Wallbanger". Oddly enough, after he drank 10 of them one night, he ended up in Kansas City in an El Dorado with Ed Asner, wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Coincidence?

Oh. Wait. THIS is the urban legenc. In the stock market crash of the 1920's, a well-to-do industrialist with a fondness for screwdrivers kept rudely insisting that his drink was not prepared correctly. At the time he was utterly broke, and found relief in torturing the bartender before his plight of payment could be realized. After many attempts to recreate the very difficult mix of orange juice and vodka failed, the mixologist added a splash of Galliano. To his surprise the failed entrepreneur at last smiled with delight and began to dent the hardwood bar with his forehead leaving pools of blood as he wept like a bad little puppy. Whatever.

1-2 oz vodka.
Orange juice.
A splash of Galliano.
Build in a highball glass and add a splash of Galliano on the top.

Charles Dana Gibson "The Gibson"
This man is truly a great drunken pervert of history. He not only honored a great debt to his parents, he created phenomenal artistic porn and a drink that no mortal should be allowed to order.

It all started with a silhouette of a dog for TIME Magazine, and ended with a country fascinated with his images focused on the form of beauty. For over twenty years he milked the public like Larry Flint for new "Gibson Girls."

Henry Pitz, an artist friend of Gibson's wrote, "He used his talent to express his most earnest convictions. He was not a consciously deep prober, but many of the surface features to which he was sensitive had deep and mysterious roots. He had a lot to reveal about the characters of his era and had more than a little to do with the shaping of it".

And with a glass or four of almost straight Vodka a day, Charles Gibson defined what surface features were all about! Deep prober, indeed.

5 parts vodka.
1 part dry vermouth.
Stir and strain into a cocktail glass.
Decorate with a pickled onion or just drink yourself blind.

THE END

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Eisenhower ‘Ike’ Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO.  He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.