A Valentine's Day Plea Bargain
Women Wanted: There's A "My Little Pony" in It for You!

by Ike Hill and LaToya Prater

It has come to our attention that we interview few women for our Spotlight Drunks. It is our hope that with this lurid pink Valentine's Day stunt, we will attract the kind-hearted sort of sailor-mouthed bitch you have been requesting (whining for) us to find and share with you.

First, we apologize for all the frilly pink things in this issue. As neither one of us really understands women (despite one of us being one) we though it might help draw a more feminine clientele. It's obvious that the dirty bar room floor environment we have established and all come to love is not quite the right atmosphere for luring 80 proof ladies.

Sure, we've had some recommendations, and we thank you all for past suggestions. No really: The crack-head anorexic who passed out after her second shot of Apple Pucker was a great idea. It was an adventurous two weeks of door-to-door searches in abandoned crack dens that finally led up to that 15-minute encounter. (As a side note, if you are searching for someone around 15th and Lydia after midnight, and you meet a man calling himself "King Randolph of da' Paseo", don't get into his shag carpet- encrusted orange van.)

So we've been basically hit or miss on delivering the hot feminine product. It is now our mission to bring you the greatest in female lushes from the heartland. But we still need your help, 'cause we can't find them.

For the women reading this, all three of you, next will follow our ideal interview material. Basically, what we're looking for in a candidate (men, don't leave yet. We've compiled a great list of porn links to help you make it to the end. That's a promise!)

What KCDrinker.com is looking for in a potential female Spotlight Drunk:

1. You must be reasonably drunk at least three nights\days a week.
2. Preferably days.
3. Preferably days because your nights are filled with great feats of espionage, stripping, more drinking, bartender night school, reading our site, or any combination of the aforementioned deeds.
4. Three really has everything covered.
5. Tattoos! How could we almost leave out tattoos? But a gigantic rack may be substituted for tattoos. Both are pretty much a sure thing.

What KCDrinker.com is not looking for in a potential female Spotlight Drunk:

1. If you have been offended even once so far, PISS OFF! We survive on people with a good sense of humor.
2. Sober people. Make sure you realize that we are not a soft little social club (although we do host events for church groups). If three glasses of wine gets you where you need to go, well. . . NO NEED TO APPLY HERE!
3. Stoners are not drunks! You like the Ganja? Great! But if you think four bong hits and a beer will count, try again. Don't get us wrong, some of our best friends are stoners. "Smoke away hippie." That's one of our mottos. Just make sure you can put away some booze too.
4. Verbal skills. If you can wrap up a two week drunken vacation in two sentences with phrases like "police like me" and "nothing much really happened", don't call us we'll call you. Seriously, entertain us, entertain them, non-verbose sleeper types are not welcome.

Don't hate us! Sure we're mean, but we only do it to make you famous. All interested applicants should e-mail us directly at im-a-girl-but-ill-still-cut-you@kcdrinker.com.

And for the men who waited this long for the "PORN", submit your favorite drunken women here too. (i-know-a-drunk-girl-that-will-cut-you@kcdrinker.com) Hell, they might appreciate it so much that even YOU will be endeared to them.

And now for the PORN links!

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Eisenhower ‘Ike’ Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO.  He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).