PSA 1:00
401-Keg Plan Sweeps Nation
AP Wire and LaToya Prater's Head
Americans are slowly waking up to the simple fact that drinking heavily (as long as you
recycle) might be the safest way to prepare for retirement.
With more and more major companies swindling their hard working employees out of
stocks, savings, pride, decency, virility, any kind of life, and retirement funds, who
wants to chance it?
Fast Facts
If you had purchased $1,000 of Nortel stock one year ago, it would now be worth $49.00.
· With Enron, you would have had $16.50 left of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have had less than $5 left.
However, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the
beer, then turned in the cans for the aluminum recycling refund, you would have $214.
Based on the above, investors are urging Americans to drink heavily and recycle. They
are calling it the 401-Keg Plan. Of course, the plan won't work if you actually get kegs.
You have to do it with bottles and cans, dumbass.
PSA 2:00
Sharper Image Breathalyzer: 'Nuff Said
KCDrinker Roving Reporter
If you actually purchase one of these, you are a complete moron. First of all, it comes
from Sharper Image and only costs $100. That's a hefty sum for a piece of crap, but not
nearly what a tool of this caliber would cost were it to work properly.
If anything, I should be able to program the damn thing to give me a foot massage,
because it sure as hell isn't even close to accurate on the old BAC.
We all want to figure out how to drink, drive and get away with it, but take it from
us, the luck of evading the cops only lasts so long. And they have to make back all the
money they've spent on the TV and radio ads you're hearing all over the place trying to
scare you into not drinking and driving.
You will eventually get pulled over in the wrong place at the wrong time, and,
shockingly enough, five shots and seven beers is enough to put you over the legal limit.
So start taking cabs, walk, or find a gullible "designated driver" who doesn't
drink but who can be placated with cigarettes and half-assed promises of sexual favors.
And for God's sake, don't EVER rely on a breathalyzer test that can be purchased at a
retail store for a hundred bucks.
This has been a public service announcement from KCDrinker.com
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©
LaToya "GfV" Prater is a free-lance
drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back
and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner
wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges
her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and
spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing
fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).
