KCD: When did you start drinking?
Fox: You're sure I'll get laid if I let you interview me?
KCD: Yep. Whatever. So what's you're favorite watering hole in KC?
Fox: Probably Davie's Uptown...mostly cause that's about the only place in town
I'm still allowed. Mokie sticks up for me, I think he kinda blames himself for some of my
alcohol-induced brain damage.
KCD: Any hobbies?
Fox: The usual stuff I guess. I still enjoy vandalism and explosives. I'm a
serious collector of all genres of pornography, I love guns and I'm an avid hunter, my
beanie baby collection is nearing two thousand, and I just started Tango lessons. Oh, and
I still get home every once and awhile to catch up on the latest in moonshine and
methamphetamine production from my Uncle Lee Ray. I'm also active in my church's troubled
teens group... I really just like to give. Sometimes, it burns from giving so much. But
then I realize it's just an outbreak of the gon…uh…nothing. I…nothing.
KCD: What's your worst drunken experience?
Fox: I had been a week or two out of knee surgery, and I'm all doped up on
Percocet. Those and the beer got me thinking about how I never get a date, and the mix
just had me all messed up. I couldn't leave the house. Just going to the bathroom was
excruciating! See, when you squat down to take a dump, the muscles in . . .
KCD: That's . . . sufficient. A little less detail please! I can see what's
coming.
Fox: So I'm wasted, depressed, and I haven't been laid for over a year. My
situation was going to keep that from coming true for quite a while, and then it hit me. I
knew why my luck with the ladies was so terrible. See, I'm a little hairy. I take my shirt
off at the beach or a pool and everyone asks "why does that guy have a sweater
on?"
KCD: This is the worst drunken experience you have ever had?
Fox: No, wait. I haven't gotten to it yet! There was this woman taking care of me.
She brought over a PlayStation, kept beer in the fridge, filled my prescriptions, you know
the drill.
KCD: Um? Yeah, sure. . .
Fox: So I was talking to her, playing Tiger Wood's Golf, drinking my breakfast,
and all my troubles slipped out. So she offered to wax my back.
KCD: That's a friend! I think?
Fox: The next day she came over with all the wax, and a box of those cloth strips,
and a sneaky gleam in her eye. Hey wait…I was thinking…how are these chicks that
read my interview and want to get with me gonna contact me?
KCD: Maybe, if you quit staring at LaToya's chest, we'll let you give out your
e-mail...maybe.
Fox: LaToya, I'll give you fifty bucks if I can see 'em.
Latoya: How cheap do you think I am? Sixty bucks.
Fox: OK. And Ike can't watch.
(LaToya makes $60 and orders another round)
KCD: So you're about to have your back waxed. You didn't trust her?
Fox: No. It's not that. You just have to know Kitty. She's 80 pounds of constant
potential danger. She's a lot of fun, but you never know what situation she'll get you in.
Fox: So the waxing begins, and before long, my back was bleeding! I kept telling
her to stop, but she wouldn't. I was screaming like a little girl, bleeding pools all over
the floor, and she wouldn't stop because the job wasn't done. I tried to get away. Hell,
she's 80 pound if that, but the meds and the knee pain kept me down.
KCD: OK. What's the craziest thing you ever did during a blackout?
Fox: That's why they're called blackouts, dumbass, 'cause you don't remember. I
did pass out once in one of those jack-off booths in an adult bookstore, but I don't wanna
talk about that other than to say…there really are some truly caring people in the
world.
KCD: Ah.... moving on. Tom, do tell us how a man as obviously dynamic and
successful as your self can still be single
Fox: Well...........(Looking as nervous as we've seen him this far)...number one,
I attract women who could be or have been court certified as mentally insane. And the
other problem is....well...let's just say I wasn't born to be a porn star…so...I
ordered some of those enlarging pills you get those e-mails about. Well, let me tell you
at first I was thrilled, but after another two months I grew to the size of a boy donkey
in a field full off lady donkeys. It's a curse! The last prostitute...I
mean…date…I had was scared to death of it.
And there you have it, ladies. KCD knows you can't wait, so here's how you contact
ol' Foxy. If he doesn't respond within 24 hours, please let us know. He may have overdosed
on Cialis: drunkfox@kcdrinker.com.
