Ike's Hated W.A.R.T.
Have You Ever Seen "The Quick Brown Fox Jumps Over A Lazy Dog?"
By Ike Hill
If you don't know what this is, you are the lazy dog. You are the bastard that
keeps making me reference your dumbass little acronyms. An acronym, by the way, is a word
formed from the initial letters of a name, such as W.A.R.T. (Won't Attempt Real Typing).
I'm hoping that if you are reading this, the definition of an acronym isn't above your
command of the English language. But I also know that some of you are R.O.T.F.L.
Seriously, if you are Rolling On the Floor Laughing right now, I want you dead.
The next reader that sends me another fucking acronym or emoticon, especially the animated
ones, this I promise:
I will, to the best of my ability (and we are talking a variety of skills), find
out everything I can about you, your friends and family. This information will be passed
along to all nefarious government agencies, east coast crime families, gypsy camp head
chiefs, a large and extensive scam network of nigerians I know, people who bum cigarettes
and change in urban wastelands, and everyone that ever made fun of you in elementary and
junior high school. Trust me, your parents will tell me all about your prepubescent
traumas.
This I guarantee: With this information, these wonderful and intelligent people I
contact will plot and plan against you because you are a complete waste of life.
Everything you hold dear, anything of value, will be ripped away and sold for pennies on
the dollar. This will become a coalesced sub-organization hidden in the shadows with the
sole purpose of turning your life into nothing more than a simple game to be mocked by
Trekkies and other people who no longer feel like such losers. There will be weekly
newsletters and a monthly meeting over the hardships we have thrust upon your lazy dog
ass.
YOU are responsible for the beginning of the end of the human language as we know
it. Don't get me wrong, there have been great evolutionary steps in the evolution of
English.
Emoticons and acronyms are NOT among them. The idea of speaking sonnets like
Shakespeare drives me insane. That's why we're where we are today. I welcome the idea of a
well-formed and structured verbal language that expresses ideas easily to all. But the
ignorant simplifying of complete sentences will one day make us all live in tents relying
on the hand-outs of superior nations like Haiti and Cape Verde.
Theory 1: Blame Garth Brooks Is it that you are listening to country music?
Everyone knows listening to one complete song drops your IQ by a full point. Could be some
people's damn love of country music that has sent the rest of us yelling and screaming
searching for some damn online dictionary for Internet slang. It's those damn ten seconds
you save by not attempting real typing that kills off five, sometimes ten minutes of my
life that I will never get back.
(The following aside was added by LaToya, who has equally strong feelings
about this ignorant new manner of communication)
Country music is definitely the root of many evils, but doesn't explain people
outside the Midwest - there are places where country music is only thought of to be used
in western movie reels. To be caught listening in your car or any public place would get
you shot (New Jersey, for example). And yet the denizens of these places are quickly
falling into the ROTFL, BRB, WTF, LOL ;-) genre of nonsense as well.
Something in the water? If by "water" you mean educational system, it's
quite probable. I have seen high school graduates who can barely read. In fact, most of
them can barely read. I am pretty sure, even though it was about 13 years ago, that when I
graduated high school, I could read.
(end aside)
Your limited IQ is really getting on my last nerve!
Honestly, I want you to know, no one would ever kill you for typing like a moron.
So you are unintelligent and lazy. We can't hold that against you. But the big concern
here is the fact that your incompetence might lead to a new spoken language involving only
simple syllables and the possibility of drooling. If you do ever approach anyone with any
intellect at all and tell them they are humorous by uttering "Rotfel" I hope
they grab the densest object other than yourself, and crack you squarely on the forehead.
This application of force may seem extreme, but it may be the only way to repair your
thinking. Worst-case scenario: The world is left with one less oxygen theft.
Most of you out there know the people I am upset with. It is highly unlikely they
have made it this far into this article without there being any pictures or acronyms. So
for the few that have made it this far, I leave them you with this:
AYSOS? DILLIGAS! You SNERT. You'll cause TEOTWAWKI. ID10T.
TTFN Asswipe!
EOM. . .
Insincerely, Ike
