Church, State and Alcoholic Pancake Syrup
by correspondent-when-he-feels-like-it Wayne "Grady" W.
I was reading LaToya's letter to the folks at Quiznos and was reminded of my own
days of writing to companies to complain or praise their products. Over the years, I've
sent these gems of expression via e-mail and snail mail, and more often than not have
gotten a real response from someone with better things to do than waste his or her time
e-mailing me back when it's probably much easier to just send a form letter and some free
samples of the item I just declared to be the worst product in circulation. And for this,
I am grateful.
My personal favorite is a letter I wrote to the International House of Pancakes
(IHOP). A
few years ago, some friends and I were in Westport at some random bar (well the
bar was Harpo's but I hate admitting I've actually gone there). It was right around
the time when Captain Morgan's came out with this new drink called Captain Morgan's
Gold. It was, I guess, the Captain's response to Smirnoff Ice and the like.
It was a nice summer evening so we were sitting outside talking about nothing
important when none other than Captain Morgan himself shows up at the bar. After
some amount of fanfare, he and his scantily-clad buccaneers started handing out free
bottles of their new drink.
Not being one to pass up free liquor, we took a bottle and gave it a try. I shit
you not when I say it tasked like PANCAKE SYRUP.
Seriously.
I would have loved to have been a fly on the wall during the board meeting where
some drunken V.P. said, "Hey, let's pour some rum in this bottle of Log Cabin and
sell it!"
The following week I found myself bored at work, not unusual in that particular
job, and decided that IHOP should know about the new maple syrup-flavored drink. I surfed
over to IHOP's website and sent them an e-mail suggesting they sell the Captain's new
beverage at their restaurant. Pancakes and sweet, boozy fun - what a concept!
I assumed that would be the end of it and hoped, with any luck, I would never have
to drink anything so foul again.
Imagine my surprise the next day when I received a dazzlingly personal and
creative e-mail from none other than IHOP's director of public relations. Below is the
e-mail I sent, followed by his response:
"Hi. I was out on the town this weekend enjoying a few rounds of beverages
with my
friends. While we were out, we were given a free sample of this new drink called
Captain Morgan's Gold by none other than Captain Morgan himself. It is listed as a
"Premium Malt Beverage," and when we tried it, it tasted a lot like pancakes.
So, after no small amount of discussion amongst my friends, I've decided to
suggest you
sell this Premium Malt Beverage in your restaurants since it would fit in well with your
theme of pancakes and syrup.
Thank you,
Wayne "Grady" W.
-----Original Message-----
From: IHOP-INFO Internet [SMTP:info@ihopcorp.com]
Sent: Friday, July 26, 2002 11:24 AM
To: wayne@wayniac.com
Subject: Re: Good Idea for IHOP!
Dear Mr. Grady:
Thank you for taking the time to contact IHOP. As a family restaurant,
alcohol is not part of our primary business strategy. We do appreciate the
input and thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Sincerely,
Patrick Lenow
Director, Public Relations
Wow. The thought, scope and mastery of words there is truly astounding. Family
restaurant indeed. What better place to ply patrons with liquor in the hopes of quelling
the desire to kill the screaming kids?
I just hope that Patrick Lenow got a good laugh that day.
Now, you have to be careful with this stuff. Do your research first.
I made a blunder when I wrote to Carl Buddig, maker of Carl Buddig meat, (if
you're not familiar they make those little packages of lunch meat), declaring Carl to
be the Master of Meat.
Furthermore, I inquired, was he was doing any public appearances, as I had several
bat mitzvahs, graduations and retirements (all mine) coming up soon.
Boy did I felt like a jerk the next day with someone with the last name of Buddig
(his son probably) wrote to say that that Carl Buddig had died a couple years back. Oops.
Bet that Buddig kid is on top of the world, inheriting dad's chop shop and what
not.
Anyway, the moral of the story is this: You can write your Congressmen, you can
write your religious institutions, but you won't get any coupons. So you might as well
write the people who feed your greedy American consumer face - that's where the real power
is.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©
Wayne "Grady" W.
If Wayne contributes more, he might get a bio. He'll probably replace
Justine Bateman...er...Justin Burton. Vote for Wayne here:
GradyRocks@kcdrinker.com
