KCD: Alright, Ed Asner is a terrible driver. Did he kidnap you? Why the move from
the East Coast to KC? Witness protection?
LaToya: I don't think he was driving. I was in Hoboken doing power hour at the
Cadillac bar. Power hour, for those in Kansas City that don't know what it is, is all
drinks for a dollar for one hour. You get really shit-faced. Then there was a band, and
there was a very large breasted woman named Bertha. She was like, twenty. I don't know who
could look at a little baby and name it Bertha…I was thinking this, and the next
thing I knew, I was in the El Dorado on the Paseo with Ed Asner. And man, is that bastard
hairy. It's all a little blurry.
KCD: What about the Lambchop puppet on your hand?
LaToya: There was a lot of dirt in the car, so what I think happened is we must
have dug up Sheri Lewis's body to get to the puppet. She was buried with the puppet. So,
you know, she doesn't have it anymore. Now when I said "wearing nothing but the
puppet," I didn't say who was wearing it or where. . .you know what I'm saying? So I
remember waking up, I thought it was on Asner's arm, but when I looked closer. . .well,
that's how we ended up married for a very short time.
KCD: So you made it to Kansas City. Things didn't go well, I take it.
LaToya: Yeah, Ed wanted to run for office, and I was behind him all the way. That
is until I realized what it's like to be behind him. Then things got upsetting. There were
a lot of hard-boiled eggs, and I had this beautiful wedding gown that was his mother's.
But things started to sour in Vegas. That's where we went to get married.
KCD: So, long story…um…longer…you were shanghai-ed to the Midwest.
How did you pass the time?
LaToya: After the marriage failed I started drinking a lot. More than usual, even.
The great thing about Kansas City is that there are a lot of really slimy dive bars. Like
the one we're in right now. Dave's Stagecoach Inn. Which I don't necessarily want to
promote, but it all began for me here. Um…continued…I mean. I came in here by
myself a lot and everyone was so nice. It was like a family. Then I quickly found out that
eventually, you will get pulled into petty disputes. You know, people being angry. People
being snotty. I just…didn't like it any more. So I just kept moving around. I do miss
Dave's, though, because no matter how crappy your life seems, the patrons of this place
are generally a lot worse off than you.
KCD: The Stagecoach was your favorite, but it's not now. What is your favorite?
LaToya: You know, Buzzard Beach has always been a home away from home. It really
is the quintessential shore bar. Even though there's no beach. But it's wooden, and
there's bird poop, even if it's not seagull poop, you can pretend, and then you're just
back on the shore. Sort of.
KCD: What's your least favorite bar you have been to?
LaToya: Ummmm? I don't know. If I'm in a bar I don't like, I usually just keep
drinking until I like it. I'm trying to think of bad bar experiences I've had where I will
just never go back...Tizer's! Tizer's kinda sucks. It's that kind of place where you order
something and they bring you what they want you to have. "No really. I wine. Not
Miller Light."
KCD: So have you ever been sanctioned from a bar?
LaToya: That's a funny question, because there's rumor that I have. But I can't
really remember. Now I came really close to getting kicked out of Chez Charlie's because
they're real elitist. I was being really slick, really smooth, and went into my undercover
"investigative reporter" mode. I was pounding on patrons yelling, "Who is
this guy?" They really don't like outsiders. That's what really pissed me off. I must
have been somewhat amusing, because they didn't really kick me out . . . according to my
sources. But they made it clear they didn't want me around anymore. So I went back the
following week. And the week after that. Now it's all good.
Now Mike's Tavern, there was rumor that I was kicked out of there on St. Pat's
Day. Apparently I bit a lot of people, but I do that. What's the big deal? You'd think
these pansies have never been chewed on by a drunken elf before. Psshh. Later I found out
it never really happened (the kicking out, the biting happened). It's a shame; I was so
excited about getting kicked out of a bar. What a disappointment.
KCD: So you have never really been kicked out of a bar?
LaToya: No, but I've been carried out many times.
KCD: What's the drink that gets you there? To that state of happiness?
LaToya: Well, it's Jaegermeister that gets me in trouble. I hate it and I won't
drink it. But what really makes me happy, and I think all the readers know this by now, is
really dirty cheap nasty tequila. It just agrees with me. I'm a happy drunk if I'm given
the right liquor. But the two things I MUST NOT have are Jaegermeister and vodka. Well
never together, that would be really bad. Well one time in college, I did pour vodka in my
beer and…nevermind. That's an ugly story.
KCD: You are for certain, at least next to April, the greatest sex symbol that
KCDrinker has.
LaToya: Next to April, of course, because she is so hot. People think we actually
faked that picture of she and I kissing, and that was actually real. We
"Photoshopped" those photos of just her because they didn't come out so well.
That was because Ike was loaded when he was taking the pictures.
KCD: Next question! Any admirers…also known as stalkers?
LaToya: Um, yeah. . . stalkers. Occasionally, but what are you going to do? I am
the only thing that was born female on the site. We have some of our incorrigibles that .
. .um. . . well, I guess I wasn't the only one that was born female. Justin Burton was
definitely born a girl. Had a great TV and film career for awhile. Name of Justine
Bateman, if anyone remembers Family Ties and Poison Ivy Part IV. He felt like he was a man
trapped in a woman's body. He went ahead and had some work done, and got that great sport
coat you see him wearing in his bio picture. And Harry Flashman...posed as his own wife in
court…but that's another story.
KCD: So have you gotten any hate mail?
LaToya: When we started this, we were sure there would be tons of it, but we
haven't really offended the right people, I guess. We haven't gotten to Fred Phelps yet.
We did get into a hairy little incident with these people over some guy named John and the
Newsroom, and I never really did figure out what the problem was, but I got a deliciously
nasty piece of personal hate mail. They called me a "badly aging alcoholic".
Well, sure…I mean, is that a BAD thing? I savored it, but it didn't really turn into
anything. So please, if our site makes you angry, please send us hate mail. For less than
the cost of a cup of coffee a day, you could make a KCDrinker feel good about offending
someone -this public service message courtesy of Sally Struthers.
KCD: Now, speaking of offensive things, not too many of our readers know this, but
you and our esteemed Dr. Lush aren't on speaking terms due to the cat fight you two had a
few months back. How's that working out for you?
LaToya: I'm really upset you brought that up. Barbara was like the mother I never
had, being I was spontaneously generated from meat. She and I were so tight. There was a
problem about a month or so ago, and she is actually on strike. I apparently offended her.
We were pounding down some shots, and you know she's got a weave, everybody knows it.
Well, we were out drinking and I told here she really should let her hair down. She has
all her hair pulled back in that damn tight bun, and when she let it down, it was so
obvious. So I said, "SO, you got a weave." Next thing I know we're rolling
around on the floor under a table, people are cheering and ordering popcorn. And let's see
. . .right. The old broad kicked my ass! I lost a kidney; I had three though, so it really
wasn't a big deal. It was ugly. And you know, she hasn't been around much lately.
KCD: Most of your articles are centered around a hatred for your job, or food
related incidents. Is there a connection between those two?
LaToya: Absolutely! I hate the corporate world, and the theoretical MAN. I've
learned, I've been trained as a corporate professional, to hate THE MAN. And the tie-in
with the food is this: As a drunkard I still have to go to work. Eight to five, it's all
bullshit. SO, I am always looking for that elusive satiation that I cannot get in my job,
and that is what I look for in my junk food and fast food. When I'm disappointed about
that, well, I'm a little vocal about it.
Since moving to Kansas City I've had a string of hideous jobs. Fortunately, my
film career in Japan is going through the roof. I am getting residual payments for the
movies I made back in the late 90s. Finally! People are actually checking them out from
the video stores. I am probably going to be a little bit bigger than David Hasselhoff. I'm
very excited about that.
KCD: That brings us back to the fact that you are THE sex symbol of KCDrinker.
Now, these films are going to be available on VHS and DVD?
LaToya: Actually they are still on Beta, but that's "overseas" for you.
KCD: All right, I have a couple wrap-up questions to ask you. These are from
readers and other various fans of the site. The first one is from Ben the Horny Dwarf. He
wants to know what you have recently found floating in your beer?
LaToya: A cotton foot! Ben. . .oh what a guy. He's been such a community partner.
He has a fleet of limos that he offers up freely to help drunks get home. He volunteers
his time at a radio station. He kinda helps out, getting coffee, throwing pieces of paper
into the air, generally kissing some Big Fat Morning Ego. He's the most unassuming
sweetheart. But I digress. Recently, I haven't found anything in my beer, but I do have a
problem with red wine. Without fail, when I order red wine there is always a gnat floating
in it. I usually just drink it, no point in wasting it, and it adds a little protein.
KCD: Our last question here is going to be a little bit of a surprise for you. We
really didn't want you to know about this. But there is an organization that, for decades,
has hunted down the most beautiful women on this planet with the intentions of
immortalizing them.
LaToya: Oh?
KCD: Yes. And they have focused their attention on the women of the Internet most
recently. Enron, Walmart and other institutions have been at their grasp lately, but just
a little while ago they contacted us about you. Hugh wants to know if you would be
interested in doing a spread for Playboy.com? So would you, and what are your turn-ons?
LaToya: No. Absolutely not. I cannot, WILL NOT, pimp my moral upbringing that way.
I was raised Catholic, I tell you, and I like to spank a naughty priest now and then, but
I'll tell you why I will never do a photo shoot for Playboy. During those photo
shoots…do you wanna know the truth? The real conditions for those poor girls? CASH
BAR. Pfff. That is so NOT in my contract. I am, however, drawn to shiny glittery objects,
much like a small child. And, of course, my ultimate fantasy is Tony Blair in a diaper.
END
LaToya stars in "Too Much Latex," her first film, made in 1995.
LaToya, under the pseudonym "Randy Rubberiffic" in "Slap My Ass and Call Me
Popper."
One of her most racy and controversial films, LaToya (upper right) donned tighty whities
for "Sit on It and BANG."
