KCDrinker Lushoscopes for June
by LaToya Prater

West Coast correspondents have a problem with deadlines. So I have to do all the work. As usual.

Jackandi (November 2-December 14)

Only god knows your fate, and he's not telling because the story was pretty boring and he can't remember.

Jippedatchristmas (December 15-January 5)

"There I was, with egg on my shoes and mud on my face." That's going to be the first sentence of my first novel. You, however, are a lousy writer and won't have any novels.

Budlightus (January 6-January 26)

It turns out you never did poop out that marble you swallowed in second grade. Your tumor removal surgery on the 2nd will not go well.

Michelobeus (January 27-February 28)

Remember when you told your mom your younger sister borrowed and lost that missing lipstick, but really you took it because you like to dress in drag? Jesus made a snide comment about you up in heaven that day.

Freak (February 29)

If ghosts can walk into movie theaters without paying, that ruins the actors' percentage of the gross. That's not right.

Hungoverio (March 1-March20)

The large, mysterious stone they pull from your liver will be the answer to everlasting life. Except for you, because you will have already died from cirrhosis on the 19th.

AAries (March 21-April 10)

Just as you get your drinking under control, a very famous but as yet undetermined actor will buy you a round of Jaegermeister, and your life will go right back in the toilet again.

Jagermeistra (April 11-May 20)

Oh. Wait. You were supposed to get that last prediction. I don't wanna do these anymore. I don't like writing these. SCREW THIS. Justin Burton used to be Justine Bateman. And everyone knows that stupid bitch couldn't make a deadline to save her life...oh, Christ, where is my vodka and gin?

 

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).