A Two Party System Yields Many Choices
by Ike Hill, S.T.P.*

Welcome to the pressure. A choice is coming. A choice so important the world itself will be directly affected by your decision. Well. . . maybe not your personal decision, but you can have a very, very small miniscule point of view to express about this critical moment in history. You can stand up to the challenge and put in your one-in-500 million cents-worth of an opinion as to who is best.

In a two party system, there are only five choices. That's red tape for you. Think of the possibilities if there were three legitimate parties to pick from; it would be exponential. Except it's not. We all know it's two candidates locked in to win and three other wasted options for you to choose from.

The Nonopportunist
This is the person who chooses - to just not bother. Whoever wins or loses, it doesn't really matter. The wrong person wins every time. What's the point of selecting the person best for the job when he or she (yeah, right!) will obviously lose due to some underhanded investigation proving he or she (still laughing!) was a drug addict and rapist in junior high school?

Independence (Mo.)
Then there is everyone's favorite, the Independent. If they had more money, it would be a landslide in their favor every time. A lack of propaganda will always bite them in the ass. No funds, no real support and a crazy view of how politics should be dealt with generally leaves them as easy targets for being made to look like insane lunatics. What, Perot? Crazy? Nonsense. He had charts explaining everything, damnit!

Bleeding Heart Fat-Asses
The first half of the winning (but rotten) coin flip belongs to the Democratic Party. Democrats are there to give your money to the poor.

"Perfect! I AM the poor," you exclaim.

Not likely. If you are reading this you have Internet access. Even if it's free at the library, you are in the top brackets of middle class just because you can read. No, all your tax dollars are being spent on creating new government positions to help the needy. Primarily other democrats whose boats are too small and a few homeless people. Since the homeless are not told of these programs, just throw it all into that damn boat. Hell, make it a ship, they can afford it now.

Just Asses On the ass end of this two-tailed coin lie the Republicans. Their mission is simple; they want to give your money to the rich. It has become clear in their agenda that too much money from the super wealthy has been wasted on Democratic boats and ships, and a guy in Detroit who found the proper paperwork for the program designed to get his cardboard box condominium on 42nd Street clad in vinyl siding. The rich are striking back. No more free rides! No more government-funded watercrafts! And no more damn siding for the homeless.

The Alien Vote Sealed Up
The personal favorite among lunatics and eccentrics is running for one's self. Not to be confused with the lunatics and eccentrics from the Independent category, this is a breed all its own. These dedicated freedom fighters are often found in public, screaming through a bullhorn and handing out rambling, poorly written flyers. Their diatribes include threats, pictures and various alien languages meant to entertain and promote their philanthropic efforts toward this and OTHER worldly causes. Like the Independents, there isn't any money there to even have a chance. However, it's likely they to would win in a landslide if funding were available.

The Choice of a Drunk Generation is…Blurry
Finally, there is Yours Truly. For you voters, this means a simple write-in and a beer on Ike down in Westport, if I win. I have as much chance as any Independent or "Other" candidate. I can even reuse all the old Eisenhower lines that helped the old man into office, "I Like Ike!"

So get out there and start a nice grassroots coalition. I promise to promise to do lots of stuff I conveniently won't get around to due to the distraction of the war I plan to start with Wisconsin. Oops! That was supposed to be a surprise.

Feel free to print out and post the campaign poster below. Look for it in your favorite watering hole and at voting booths this November.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Eisenhower ‘Ike’ Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO.  He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.