Women Are Stupid!
An Intelligent and Enlightening Op-Ed by Every Woman's Dream,
Finnegan Schall
I've been observing this strange species called 'woman' diligently since
approximately five to ten seconds after puberty hit me with the force of a brick hormone.
And while I must admit a personal fascination bordering on obsession (editor's note: like
Rome borders on Italy) with women, I must admit they aren't particularly bright. Let's
examine some facts.
My first point, I think you'll agree, is a doozie. Women ritualistically and
regularly perform practices and processes on themselves so terrible in aspect and painful
in nature that the priests of the Spanish inquisition would blanche and cry out, "too
rough, please god let it stop." These practices include everything from mothers
binding the feet of their daughters in ancient China, to stretching the labia with weights
to lengths of 12 inches or more in tribal Africa (although the idea of performing oral
while watching TV in the next room is kind of… never mind), to the surgical insertion
of saline and collagen under the fatty tissues of the lips breast and ass, and even
something called anal bleaching. This last one makes my rectum seize tighter than my high
school prom date at the very thought.
Any one of these things would provide subject matter for a Vincent Price movie,
and yet in every culture women have some different method of self-torture. Did I mention
how expensive panty liners designed to accommodate a 12-inch labia would be?
From whence comes the motivation for this litany of horror and mutilation? What
possible reason could someone have for doing this to themselves? Apparently, it's largely
to impress men. All this is primarily to gain the ardor and attention of men for emotional
and/or financial purposes.
Let us consider this for a moment. Let us examine how point "a" applies
to point "b". All this trouble and effort for the attention of a group that has
shown over and over again that when desperate, drunk or even just bored a complete
willingness to abandon not just any consideration of beauty or taste but also
considerations of intelligence (admittedly never high on the list of most men),
consciousness or species. "Any port in a storm" as the saying goes. The dead
sheep fuckers (the sheep are dead, not the fuckers) are the ones that creep me out the
most. A man will fuck a knothole in a wooden bucket if necessary and think nothing of it,
save perhaps for a passing thought on splinters.
At any time women could take control, unionize, as it were, and rule the market.
They would have men over a barrel, or at least humping the barrel. Instead, they torture
themselves in an attempt to compete with and outdo one another.
The combination of these facts and theories prove several things. The first being,
women are stupid. The second being, men are gross. Lastly, although women are quite
stupid, they are still usually smarter than men. Like we set that bar very high. I'm
depressed. I need a drink. Save lives. Get neutered.
-Fin
This rant made possible by a generous grant from the Free Range Vaginas for a
Better Tomorrow Foundation.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©
Finnegan
Schall has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as
Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy
per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be
deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is
currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His
drinking credentials include: Out drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian
teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill).
Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze, and what’s
your name lover?”
