LaToya Prater
911 Ward Parkway, Apt. 11
Kansas City, MO 64111
www.kcdrinker.com
Quiznos Corporate
1475 Lawrence St.
Denver, CO 80202
Attn: Disgruntled Department (customers, not employees)
April 27, 2003
Dear Quiznos:
First, I love your advertisements. They're brilliant, especially the singing
spongmonkeys.
However, as a marketing professional myself, I would like to suggest you spend a little
less on ads and a little more on your product, which I have found, repeatedly, to suck.
The problem is quantity. Now I'm not a fat, greedy American. I weigh 108 lbs., and
I don't eat much. But on the three occasions I have tried various Quiznos in the Kansas
City area, I have been shocked at the ridiculous portions I received.
My first time, I watched the employees (who, by the way, you should reward for
their meticulous policing and weighing of sub contents, making sure NO ONE gets enough to
eat) cut open my roll, squirt in some mystery sauce, and place it on the oven conveyor
belt. I thought "Oh, ok. They're going to put all the ingredients in when it comes
out."
Wrong. Instead of a turkey sub, I got a roll with some barely-melted cheese,
plenty of lettuce, and a tiny sliver of turkey which I only found later when it got stuck
in my teeth. Thank God for the pepper bar. I made a pepper sandwich out of it and almost
felt sated.
A friend of mine put it more eloquently than ever I could. "Quiznos sucks!
There ain't no meat!"
Admittedly, I was bitter for months following my substandard experience. But
recently, I decided to try again. It could have been that location, or a new employee or
bad karma for that milk carton-kid stew I invented back in '85. Heh. I'm just kidding. I
don't know where any of those missing kids are. Really.
To make a long story short, I tried Quiznos again. And again. Repeatedly, I have
received portions that are just ludicrous, especially for the price. For example, a
"half" sandwich is 2.5 inches long. That's a QUARTER sandwich at any other
establishment. A "bowl" of soup turned out to contain less than a cup. Would
your mother serve such portions to guests? I think not.
I realize that spongmonkeys are the size of gerbils and don't eat a lot, and maybe
that's why they can play their guitars and sing the praises of Quiznos. Come to think of
it, those things are a product of Photoshop and not even real, so they've probably never
even tried Quiznos food. Anyway, the point is, for anything bigger than a gerbil, your
portions are just inexcusable.
Sincerely,
LaToya Prater
Co-Founder and Vice President
KCDrinker.com
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©
LaToya "GfV" Prater is a free-lance
drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back
and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner
wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges
her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and
spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing
fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).
