Why Your Candidate Sucks
Think Again: You're About to Make a Terrible Choice
By Eisenhower Hill and LaToya Prater

That guy you are planning to vote for in November is a real dickhead, and I'm going to tell you why. I don't know about you, but I've had enough. It's a joke.

Hair Pulling
Your candidate is relentless with the finger pointing, exemplifying the true and imaginary faults of his opponent, and never misses a chance to do it on television. Frequently this interrupts re-runs of the Fresh Prince, and that really pisses me off.

On and on go the mud-slinging ads. This poor choice of a politician and human can't seem to point out anything relevant about his own campaign or goals. NO, only cheap shots and demeaning rhetoric about the other guy will be heard over the months to come.

"But 'the other guy' is doing the same thing!" you exclaim.

You are correct. The other guy is a pansy-assed cockweasel as well.

Think About the Pleasantries of Voting
So why are you so caught up in the mad rush to elect your loser of choice? What makes you believe in that bloated bag of waste you call your next president? Do you really think your candidate has belittled the other guy so well that his elementary school teasing has placed him on some higher level? Is the ability to win a childish name-calling contest the only quality that distinguishes him from the other immature bastard running for office?

Honestly there is no real reason for you to even bother. It's a pointless Tuesday in November. What the hell is it about? No matter whom you pick, everyone will be bitching about him in a year or so. Here are some things to consider:

Do you still have go to work that day? Yes. Can you go buy booze on this day? HELL NO.

Let me get this straight. Some jackwad thought the day was important enough to make it dry; yet you still have to haul your ass to work?

Better yet, you get to wake up extra early and wander down to whatever piss poor location your local government has deemed fit for you to vote at. No matter how early you show up, there is already a line of zombies waiting to cast their ballots. The entire crowd, representing the Diagnostic Statistical Manual's Top 100 Craziest for 2004, can be studied while you wait to check, poke, punch, or whatever the hell else you do in order to vote.

Hanging Cave Drawings
And speaking of checking, poking and punching, what year is Kansas City in? 1952? Other states have electronic ballots or at least a nice, easy lever-pull. But no. Here, we get a stone slate and a rudimentary spearhead and then we're told not to fuck up the hieroglyphics by punching the wrong thing.

Edible Ballots for The Dinner-Hour Voter
Of course, you can always attempt this pointless act after putting in eight hours of mind-numbing labor. There is nothing better than going to wait in line for at least an hour after work. You really didn't do anything of importance all day, why stop now? Why would you want to go home and watch one of twenty different episodes of "Law and Order" when you could waste half your evening in a line waiting for a 30-second chance at what you believe will determine our next president.

As a non-certified psychic, let me make a prediction for you and save you the trip: He will be old, white, male and generally ineffectual. It's in the cards! It's a done deal! Stay home, whip up some Kraft Easy Mac, and play Tekken 3.

Vote Against Them, Not for Them
That's the spirit! And will your vote count? Absolutely not! Don't fool yourself. The Electoral College has the power. Your vote only slightly effects what those bastards decide. The fact is, they already know for whom they're casting. They do not live paycheck to paycheck like most of us. They do not rely on a liquor store run every couple days. They have mass amounts of cash and scotch stockpiled.

So don't vote Republican or Democrat. Go Green. Go Libertarian. It's a nice thought, voting against the other candidates, but in 2004 it's still a wasted vote. The ass or the elephant is getting in, and that's that.

Someone's Got to Vote
Really? What a statement it would make if NO ONE voted. But since that will never happen, go. Go vote. Enjoy yourself. Your candidate still sucks

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Eisenhower ‘Ike’ Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO.  He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.

LaToya "GfV" Prater  is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people’s copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).