For My Own Good
by Finnegan Schall

The phrase 'for my own good' has become an anathema to me. People who have our safety in mind are overlooking every aspect of our lives. I get in my car in the morning (or whenever hunger and thirst overcome the need to sleep it off) and the seatbelt automatically slides into place. The first time I was in a car that did that I nearly shit myself. I head down to 39th St. - to Mama's for some feed, and a little blurb on the bottom of the menu reminds me that undercooked eggs may have salmonella. I see on the coffee can that caffeine is a stimulant and on the coffee maker next to it that hot coffee might burn you.
Meanwhile, more states are following California's lead and making it illegal to smoke cigarettes within 50 feet of an entrance to a bar or restaurant. Then I read in the newspaper that some guy, whose wife has been in a coma for nine years, isn't being allowed to take her off the feeding tube and New Mexico is going to put breathalyzers on the ignitions of every car, truck and bus in the state. Finally, as I'm going to the bathroom, trying to calm myself, I notice the urinal has a black box with a blinking red light instead of a handle. I'm not even allowed to flush my own fucking toilet.
So I would like to posit a theory. We have 7,000,000,000 people and counting. We can't feed them all now. Most of them aren't worth the DNA on which they are written. Not one of them bought me a drink on St. Patrick's Day, so what fucking good are they? Why is human life so valuable? The one thing we aren't running short on in this world is dumb fucks who won't stop breeding.
So here is the idea: A total shift in social priorities. We've got sin taxes out the roof on everything that's bad for you from cigarettes to booze to porn. Screw that. Subsidize all that naughty shit and charge the fucking joggers extra tax. Drinkers spend more on consumer goods and die earlier, thereby giving more money to business and using less medical insurance and social security money. God save us from all these hyper-healthy baby boomers that are going to live to be a hundred. We need to start force-feeding them liquor, cigarettes and fattening food now. And if you see one jogging it's a $20 bounty. Right now, it's illegal to commit suicide. Jesus Christ, why? It makes no sense. If you want to commit suicide the government pays for a nice dinner and complimentary drinks. If the last drink tastes like bitter almonds just ignore it. Everything will be better in just a sec.
So do your part to make the world a better place. Drink, smoke, eat too much, practice unsafe sex, don't look both ways before you cross and, most important, up and DIE. Let the seven deadly sins be your guide and do everything your mother told you not to.

Paid for by the Drunk Driving for a Better Tomorrow (L.U.S.H.) foundation.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Finnegan Schall  has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His drinking credentials include: Out drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill). Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze, and what’s your name lover?”