Drunk of the Month: April 2004
KCD: So, April. Why did you email us and apply for Drunk of the Month?
April: Well, my friend saw the site and thought, she said, "You should
totally be drunk of the month!" And I was like, "no way!"
KCD: Since this is only our second time hanging out with you, tell us why your
friend thought you should be D.O.M. Do you drink a lot?
April: Oh yeah. Beer. I drink a lot of beer.
KCD: How much in, say, an hour?
April: 16.
KCD: 16 beers?
April: (laughs) NO. No way. 16 ounces. The 16-ounce beer.
KCD: Uh. Ok. So, like, if I was a doctor, and I made you swallow one of those
capsules that's actually a camera, and it swam around down in you guts, and it took a
picture, would your liver be healthy, or harder than a 56-year-old hooker?
April: Healthy, I guess. I'm a health nut. That's gross. You can swallow a camera?
(pause) Are you doing ANOTHER shot already?
KCD: Yeah, yeah. What about it? This is how we do it. DA KCD WAY! WHOOO!
(laughter, throat clearing) Sorry.
April: You guys drink a lot. Like, a LOT lot. How come you're not drunk of the
month?
KCD: I'm not nearly as interesting as you. Speaking of which, you have been hit on
by, like, three guys since we sat down. What's your secret?
April: Ha ha. Blondes have more fun!
KCD: Even with hobos? Hobos are very choosy.
April: Wha…? I don't…what?
KCD: Nothing. Moving on. Have you ever spent any time in prison?
April: (thinks) I don't think so. I'm sure I didn't. It seems like…like maybe
I should have once, sometime (laughing), but I can't remember any.
KCD: That's riveting.
April: I'm a boring drunk of the month…is that ANOTHER shot? What is that,
anyway?
KCD: Conquistador. It's tequila. (drops tape recorder) Whoops!
April: Like, like Cuervo?
KCD: Yeah. Just like that. Except with the poison control symbol on the front.
Never had it? It tastes like lemon ammonia.
April: That's…crazy.
(at this point three guys come up and try to talk to April, who is wearing a
really tight pink shirt with "Angel" on it. KCD stumbles to the jukebox)
KCD: Ok. So. Jesus it's hot in here. Ok. So…I'm getting…what I'm getting
is that, um, that…you're kind of, like, not really much of a drunk.
April: Not…like you, no.
KCD: So…if I pass out or have to be stuffed bodily in a cab momentarily, will
you be pished? Pissed?
April: Nah. (grabs tape recorder) But I am looking to meet some guys in KC. Whoo!
I just moved here from Ohio! Where are all the hot guys??
KCD: (struggling to find sleeves to coat) Yeah, we ain't a dating service, honey.
But we'll post your own KCD e-mail address and maybe you can find out just how lame…I
mean awesome…the menfolk are here in hay bale. Hay bale? Or whatever. Can't. Think.
But I'm a reshpectable…receptacle…drunk, and it's not true, I mean, we're a
respectable…I didn't bite anyone on St. Pat's Day, and he didn't either. What? We're
not that loud! Hey, f*ck you…
(This interview was terminated when KCD was "ushered" from the bar and
asked to please not return. The bar did thank us for bringing in a "hottie" like
April, though).
KCD apologizes for the photo quality. One artsy photographer + 10 shots
of Jack = two shitty photos and three rolls of pictures of the ceiling and the camera lens
cap. You may e-mail April through KCD if you want!
END!
April@kcdrinker.com
