April Sucks. Or DOES It?
An Honest Look at National Anxiety Month
by Eisenhower Hill
As a month, April sucks ass. Income taxes are due, it rains all month long, and
there isn't really anything of note happening. But wait. The staff at KC Drinker has spent
exhausting hours researching lost and hidden facts about Alcohol Awareness Month. We have
compiled a daily and weekly break down of all the best reasons to appreciate April.
Hate Week Begins (how appropriate)
April 1
April Fool's Day
Screw with someone you love. Then hit your enemies hard as well!
April 2
Feast of Acan (Mayan God of Wine)
God of Wine? Do you really need a better reason to call in sick on a Friday and get tanked
on vino? Have fun with it.
April 3
Don't Go To Work Unless It's Fun Day & Tweed Day
You better not be working, it's a Saturday this year. Put on a nice tweed jacket and find
that magic someone at a local bar.
April 4
Tell-A-Lie Day
Would we lie to you? NO! It really is Tell a Lie Day. Get out there and pile up the BS.
April 5
Go For Broke Day & Tax Day (for the limeys in the UK)
All right, a lot of days in April are lame. At least you can sit back and laugh at all the
poor Brits running around trying to find lost deductions. Hell, go for broke: Spend every
last dime in your bank account buying a round of shots at your local watering hole.
April 6
Sorry Charlie Day (in honor of those who have been rejected and lived through it) &
Plan Your Epitaph Day
Go back to bed. This day is not worth the depression of waking up.
April 7
No Housework Day & Eggsibit Day (whatever the hell that is)
Every day is No Housework Day, at least for 99% of KC Drinker readers. Eggsibit Day just
sounds fun, we really have no idea what or who it is intended for. So go get a snort or
two on Eggsibit Day!
TV Turn-Off Week Starts (Great!)
April 8
All Is Ours Day (All your base are belong to us)
You will either get it or you won't. It's a Thursday, who really cares?
April 9
St. Casilda's Day (patron against bad luck, sterility) & Wild Turkey Drive begins
Grab a bottle of Wild Turkey, and go forth and procreate. Nothing bad can happen to you
today! (Please don't really procreate, though, loser.)
April 10
Explosion of the Car (Florence, Italy) & National Cinnamon Crescent Day
Blow up a car while eating pastries. What could be more fun? Hot Damn 100 proof is
recommended to truly accept and embrace the cinnamon aspects of this fine explosive day.
April 11
Festival of Unmediated Play & 8-Track Tape Day & National Cheese Fondue Day
This will be a Sunday to tell the grandkids about. Slap that Lynyrd Skynrd 8-track in,
heat up the cheese and just go crazy with the playing already. "FREEBIRD, DUDE!"
April 12
Look Up At the Sky Day & National Licorice Day
Ouzo and Sambuca taste like black licorice. Grab a bottle, head to a park, drink it down
and don't forget to look up at the sky after your drunken ass falls down.
April 13
Feast of Rotten Endings & International Special Librarians Day
Hell if we know! Try reading a bad book front to back, and then thank a retarded librarian
for the suggestion.
April 14
Bown Pinai, New Year's in Laos & National Pecan Day
It doesn't have to be New Year's here to get drunk, thanks to Laos. Don't forget to top
off the evening's bender with a slice of pecan pie.
Lefty Awareness Week Kicks Off (Freaks.)
April 15
National Griper's Day & Tax Resistor's Day & Rubber Eraser Day
No doubt about it, the worst day of the year resides right here in the heart of April.
Remember those damn W-2s you got a few months back? Better find them fast, or you are
screwed buddy! LaToya ate a lot of rubber erasers in school, though, and swears you can
use them to replace a carb side dish in a pinch.
April 16
National Stress Awareness Day & St. Benedict Labre's Day (patron of beggars, homeless,
pilgrims)
Pick up a couple bottles of Cisco, find a nice bridge with a fire in a barrel and make
some new friends. Relax. You deserve it (syphilis)!
April 17
National Cheeseball Day & Pineapple Cheese was patented
Just kill yourself! Today is not worth living.
April 18
National Animal Crackers Day & Pet Owners Independence Day
Set your pets free and eat crackers? We just don't fucking get it!
April 19
Garlic Day & National Amaretto Day
Italian? Gay? Then this day is for you. Just don't come around here and breathe on us!
April 20
Festival of Fabulous Wildwomen & Radium Day
Now we got the fun going on! Some people blamed the wildness on PMS, but we knew all along
it was the radiation.
April 21
St. Bueno's Day (patron against cattle diseases) & The World Cow Chip Throwing
Tournament
You need healthy cattle to get a hefty chip. But if your cattle suffer from heel warts,
infectious bovine rhinotracheitis, or bovine viral diarrhea, you're screwed.
We give up! This month is just going to hell.
National Lingerie Week Opens (Finally!)
April 22
St. Theodore of Sykeon's Day (patron for/against rain) & Earth Day
http://www.earthday.net
Be indecisive. Bitch at the tree hugging hippies whether it's raining or not!
April 23
Picnic Day & World Laboratory Animals Day
Have a nice little snack outside, and think of all the poor Ebola-ridden monkeys and
detergent-burned lab mice.
April 24
National Remembrance of Man's Inhumanity To Man Day & National Pigs-in-a-Blanket Day
Ponder the mysteries of man's injustice toward mankind. Then go to IHOP!
April 25
Anti-Nuclear Day & World YMCA Day
Get down with the Village People while protesting the ramifications of thermo-global
nuclear warfare.
April 26
National Pretzel Day & Shuffleboard Day
Sounds like an ideal reason to hit a bar. Take two pretzels, a roll of quarters and call
us in the morning. Hell, we'll see you there!
April 27
Sleep Day & National Prime Rib Day
And this differs from any other day how? Sleep in late and eat some beef for dinner.
April 28
Kiss-Your-Mate Day & National Blueberry Pie Day
Sex and desserts, that's the kind of day we were waiting for.
April 29
Feast of the Secret Masters & National Shrimp Scampi Day
Like you will ever get invited to a secret feast. And yes, you are a master, every night,
all by yourself. Go to Red Lobster and live with the shrimp feast they offer.
April 30
National Honesty Day & National Oatmeal Cookie Day
At least the month is a day away from being over. Honesty and oatmeal cookies? Piss off
and get me a beer, bitch!
