KCDrinker Lushoscopes for April
by Justin Burton

Apparently, these are all the rage on the West Coast. At any rate, they understand them.

Jackandi (November 2-December 14)

While you don't need a shotgun to "shotgun" a beer, you will need one next Thursday.

Jippedatchristmas (December 15-January 5)

The stars wish you picked up the tab sometime, dick.

Budlightus (January 6-January 26)

Your love of risque pick-up lines compliments your love of being a registered sex-offender.

Michelobeus (January 27-February 28)

This Friday, you'll realize that people enjoy drinking Sam Adams much more than hearing about your dissertation research on him.

Freak (February 29)

You'll realize after listening to "Puff the Magic Dragon" that "Bud Light" is not your imaginary friend, but rather, a beer consumed by people without money and taste.

Hungoverio (March 1-March20)

You'll finally understand the job duties of the county coroner after next Wednesday's bar fight.

AAries (March 21-April 10)

While there's no greater pleasure than drinking a good Scotch, you'll find that your family and a relationship with God have some redeeming qualities. Some, but far less than Scotch.

Jagermeistra (April 11-May 20)

The bottle with the skull and crossbones is meant to keep the rats away. The can with the "PBR" is meant to keep the dignity away.

Slapmyassabit (May 21-June 15)

Your lawyer was right: Tipping the bartender an extra dollar does not fulfill a community service requirement.

Callmeacabnow (June 16-July 9)

You will impress no one with your vast knowledge of The Westport Battle of The Civil War, even though the historical information sign is ironically located in the middle of the hip drinking scene.

Beershitsini (July 10-August 19)

Your dad may not be proud of the way you look, but you're confident he'll be proud of the 13 shots of bourbon you just drank. Be sure to exude this confidence to perfect strangers, then start sobbing uncontrollably.

Bullshitsigna (August 20-September 14)

Alcohol truly is your best friend, but that doesn't mean you should sing "You Can Call Me Al" to it.

Barflyion (September 15-November 1)

Don't worry: The curb gets much more comfortable after repeatedly fracturing your skull upon it.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2004 ©

Justin D. Burton (West Coast Correspondent)Born and raised in Kansas City, MO, Justin Burton sold his soul to the Devil two years ago for a low-paying and not terribly interesting career in broadcast news. Previously, Justin served as the United States Ambassador to Mongolia, India and Detroit. A world traveler, he has partaken of liquor on three separate continents (including Detroit). Justin enjoys helping the homeless, teaching the illiterate to read, and aiding blind people, but because he drinks so heavily, he really doesn't have time for any of that stuff. Justin currently resides in Bakersfield, CA with his liver, Hal.