Drunk of the Month: March 2004
Name: Papa John
Born and raised: KC, K
Favorite Drink: Black Jack and water (Jack Daniels)
Height: about 4'11"
Special talent: Drinking at the Gossip Inn bar for 60 years straight
Jail time: Drunk tank, like any self-respecting barfly
KCD: So green's your color. I mean, with the leprechaun thing, and St.
Patrick's day and what not. But you know, the tradition of wearing green is American. In
fact, the Irish don't like green because that color was in their flag before they were
free and…I'm a dork. Anyway. Are you Irish?
Papa John: Half. Half Irish, half Indian. Cheyenne.
KCD: So, I understand you've done your share of local jail time, typical drunk
tank type stuff?
Papa John: Well, yeah. If somebody don't do jail time, I mean…they ain't
lived.
KCD: Wow. I got a lotta livin' to do.
Papa John: YOU AIN'T DONE NO JAIL TIME?
KCD: Well, there was one, you know, sort of, uh, misunderstanding, so why do
you like to drink Jack Daniels? It always gave me a bit of the acid reflux, myself.
Papa John: WATER. No, no, no, no, no Jack Daniels and WATER. If you drink the
whiskey with water, you'll never get a hang-up.
KCD: Hangover?
Papa John: Hang-up. Hangover. Hang-up. Whatever you want to hang up.
KCD. Right. Um. Okay. So.
Papa John: Don't lose it. Don't lose it now! Stay with me.
KCD: What's the craziest thing you ever did drunk?
**pause**
Papa John: (hollers down the bar) Hey, uh, Bill. What's the craziest thing I
ever did when I was drunk?
(Bill: Ohhhh shit. That's….I mean…..too many)
Papa John: That's a toss up. (hollers at bartender) LORI! What's the craziest
thing I ever did drunk?
(Lori just laughs)
Papa John: Prolly sleeping on the railroad ties and getting throwed in jail
that time.
(Lori chimes in)
Lori: What about that thing we went to, when you was tryin' to get in the trash
can.
Random patron at bar: Yeah, he was trying to get in the dumpster.
Papa John: (proudly) I was trying to sleep in the dumpster.
KCD: We've also heard some crazy stories about you running around here naked.
Papa John: No, not naked. Never naked. I don't even like naked women. They're
ugly. (to people at bar) Am I lyin'?
(people at bar assure us he "ain't lyin'")
Papa John: See? I cannot lie. Leprechauns can't lie. (long wheezing laugh)
KCD: Ok, here's the question then. Playboy magazine or JC Penny catalog?
Papa John: JC Penny catalog. Clothes on. For me, there's got to be something
for the imagination. Once the clothes come off (yells, shields eyes) NO. NO! MY EYES ARE
CLOSED! THEY BURN! To see 'em naked? EEEEWWWWWW.
KCD. Riiight. Moving on. What we've got to know, and what everyone's heard
about, is the fact you're a leprechaun. I mean, this makes you the perfect Drunk of the
Month for March, right? And I mean, how many people have met a leprechaun? That's just
exciting. So. You're a leprechaun!?
Papa John: No. That's not who I am. If I really thought I was a leprechaun,
that would make me crazy, now, wouldn't it?
KCD: (really, really disappointed) You…you're not crazy?
Papa John: (as if talking to a small child) Nooo.
KCD: But…but you do dress up like a leprechaun. I know you do. I've seen
it. Other people have seen it.
Papa John: Yeah, I do it every year. For St. Patrick's Day.
KCD: But you look like one. I mean, you're short, and look at those whiskers.
So, you might be a leprechaun. You might be….right?
Papa John: Uh. No.
KCD: Oh.
(silence)
KCD: BARKEEP? Three shots of Jack, two shots of Jameson, and, uh, whatever the
leprechaun's drinking.
END
