Are You "Good to Go Green"?
St. Patrick's Day Checklist
by Eisenhower 'IKE' Hill and LaToya Prater

1. Money
You will needs lots of cash, credit cards, and possible proof that you own your home for that quick Home Equity Line of Credit. No expense should be spared on this great international day of debauchery. Hell, you're blowing off work to get drunk. Why do a half-ass job of it? If you're a chick, you can probably just wear something really tarty and score most of your drinks free.

2. Pre & Post Activity Drinks
Make sure you are stocked up on booze at home. Showing up at the first bar of the morning sober is just gauche. This will also come in handy, before, after and in-between the parade and pub-crawling events. If you have people over and nothing to serve them, they will likely not ever come back. Ever.

3. The Outfit
The ensemble green is nice, but not as important as the drunken style you want to reflect. Hopefully you have kept all the collected bar mementos from past SPD benders. All the flashing buttons, suspenders, hats, and whatever else your drunken idiot self managed to squirrel away. Don't wear anything too valuable, as you will most likely get vomit on it or shed it in a blissful moment of drunken streaking down Westport Road.

4. Miscellaneous Paraphernalia
There are several categories here. Most are merely suggestions, but they do let you have more fun and trouble than anyone should.

A. Super Balls: Want to (literally) hit on the cute girl or guy across the bar? Want to drive away the ugly one? Toss a couple of hard, rubber projectiles their way. It's harmless fun, with deadly good results.

B. Flask: Why give the bars all your money? You are going to drop enough cash paying for rounds to cover friends you never knew you had. Said flask should only be used in the restrooms. You will get to the exit post haste if you are caught; especially on this day of limited tolerance toward drunks.

C. Important Phone Numbers Like, the ones of every sober person you have ever known, can come in very handy. This serves two purposes. One is a sober ride home after you've puked in a gutter and eaten "found" pizza crust. The other is just pure fun. These are the boring people that need a little drunken insanity forced into their homes at around one or two in the morning. Call em' up and leave a long rambling message! At the time, you'll be convinced you're at the height of your wit and are speaking perfectly clearly.

D. Medication Always remember the Meds. Don't let another St. Patty's Day be ruined by one guest complaining about the cheap can of Bush Light giving them a splitting migraine headache. Load a bag with aspirin, ibuprofen, Trucker's Delight Mini-thins, and what ever else your usual diet of medications consist of.

E. Camera A cheap camera is sometimes a good idea. Cheap, because you will most likely lose it in a toilet. Trust me, it's happened before, and it will happen again. Also, think about if you really want this day "On the Record"? You are going to be drinking from dusk to dawn. Only bring enough film to cover the "Opening " hours of the celebration. You'll thank us later for not ending up with a picture of your self and that zesty she-male.

5. Underwear and Socks
If you drink like we do, bring along extra underwear and socks (don't ask why, just do it!) An overnight bag is also a good idea - at least some soap and a toothbrush. God knows you're not going to wake up at home in your bed, and if you're lucky, wherever you DO wake up will have running water.

6. A Few Good Friends
Choose your company wisely. Make sure you bring along someone to entertain you. You'll also want one of the friends who can "Get Your Back!" Actually that's all you need, but pick em' at your own distressing. We will not be held responsible!

Enjoy!

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©

Eisenhower 'Ike' Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City, MO. He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish) Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.

LaToya "GfV" Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of KC, Mo., Prater indulges her overwhelming addiction to editing other people's copy to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn).