Are You Drunk Yet?
An Educational Effort Developed and Led by Finnegan Schall
(with editorial and creative contributions from LaToya Prater - somebody has to clean this shit up - do they just not teach grammar and punctuation in Midwest schools or what?? Anyway.)

OK, we've had this web site up for some time now and we would like to know if we are helping Kansas City get their drink on. This also serves as a test of your personal drinking savvy (once signed by a notary public, this document will authorize you to get personal loans, buy a car or become an adult entertainer).

We posit (that means hypothesize) a few premises involving booze and the consequences thereof. After each scenario, you will be offered several choices. You will then be graded on those choices. Please remember, this will be on your permanent record.

As a disclaimer KCDrinker would like to say that these situations are entirely fictional and are not things that have actually happened to us and our drunken friends over and over and over again. Definitely not last Saturday night, when that lemur got wedged in my…

On with the quiz.

1. So you're drunk again you ignorant asshole, and one of Kansas City's police force has just pulled out behind you. You hear a voice repeating, "be cool man", over and over again and realize it's you. At that moment, the lights spread disco sparkles over the back of your car. You:

a. Pull over and spread your cheeks.
b. Pull over and start to fabricate a story involving babies, grandmothers, and Bolivian terrorists.
c. Try to switch places with the guy passed out in the passenger seat.
d. Make the bastards chase you. They will follow.

2. So you're drunk again you Dr. Phil-looking-potato-headed-Oprah-lover, and now the barmaid has presented you with a tab that is way too expensive. You don't remember ordering ten Mai Tais, do you? A faint frown crosses your brow as a dim vision of college girls dressed in Hawaiian print bikinis fleetingly passes through your fogged mind but you firmly shove it aside. Instead you:

a. Argue with the bar maid, demanding to see the manager (which you pronounce "shmanger") making yourself look like even more of an asshole than usual.
b. Pull the old bait and switch with some Monopoly money you carry for just such an emergency.
c. Demand a "recount" using Florida ballot-counting and chad-punching indiscretions in the 2000 election as precedent.
d. Make the bastards chase you. They will follow.

3. So you're drunk again you poodle-walking puppet fluffer. You're at your front door and you can hear your wife/husband on the other side breathing with nostrils flared. Considering you've been gone for 36 hours and you're not sure whose panties/tighty whities are in your pocket, you are concerned he/she might get upset. In order to promote domestic harmony you:

a. Open the door with a big smile, bend over and spread your cheeks.
b. Fabricate a story involving babies, grandmothers, Bolivian terrorists, and throw in a runaway semi full of women's/men's panties/briefs.
c. Argue with him/her making yourself look like even more of an asshole than usual.
d. Make the bastards chase you. They will follow.

4. So you're drunk again, you lucky dog. You come to with the feeling of something pleasantly cool pressed against your face. You try to lift your head, but everything starts spinning very fast. Slowly, you open your eyes to find yourself face down on the tile floor of a bar bathroom wearing nothing but a vomit-stained toga. You stagger out of the can (where the hell did you get Hello Kitty slippers??) After careful inspection, you learn the bar is two states away from your hometown and you're due at work in five minutes. You:

a. Hitch a ride with the next trucker through. You're so brutally hungover, you don't really mind his advances as long as he promises to buy you a sausage, egg and cheese biscuit sandwich ASAP.
b. Call work (collect) and say to your boss "Have you ever had one of those days where you wake up face-down in a bar bathroom two states away?" Then give a hearty, conspiring laugh and hope he says "Yes, I have."
c. Go back to sleep on the floor.
d. Order another beer.

5. So you're drunk again you worthless cum-dribbling sock lover, and the girl/boy of your dreams has just come in the door. Unfortunately, unlike your whiskey-soaked self he/she is stone cold sober. You want them so bad you can just about feel his/her naked body slithering up and down your… I digress. Let's just say you're feeling very motivated, but you hate it when they call security on you. In response to your raging libido you:

a. Slither on up to him/her and slur out an anatomically (and grammatically) impossible suggestion involving your lips and his/her derrier.
b. Fabricate a story involving your need for her panties/his briefs to fix the radiator on the car of a grandmother taking a baby, injured by Bolivian terrorists, to the hospital.
c. Pretend you passed out and stare at him/her from under your armpit until he/she gets uncomfortable and leaves.
d. Make the bastards chase you. Although this time, they probably won't follow.

6. So you're drunk again you New Coke-drinking Bill Cosby-sweater-wearing half life, and the ass you just slapped turns out to be a 250 lb. transvestite. Now he and his five "work the docks in the day and work the scene at night" buddies are gonna kick your non-toleratin' ass. Realizing you've made a drastic error mixing up with Kansas City's special breed of "tough as nails" redneck transvestites you:

a. Apologize profusely and offer to buy the next round of Jack, "for you beautiful ladies" (Loose translation: bend over and spread your cheeks)
b. Fabricate a story about the coincidence of you just happening to have a 6'3" 250lbs girlfriend that lifts weights and has a five o'clock shadow.
c. Act like you are retarded and have some sort of hand palsy by looking confused, thumping your chest repeatedly with the side of one hand, and asking for your blankie.
d. Make the bastards chase you. They will follow.

All right you've made it through the test, now it's time for the scoring. This may seem complicated at first but just stick with us, it will all make sense eventually. When you're older you will understand all the sacrifices we've made for you. So just try to follow along.

First add up your score.
All a. answers are worth 1 point.
All b. answers are worth 2 points and so on.
Take that total and divide by 25 then multiply by your age.
If you're a woman, add 12.
(Finn likes chicks and loves to give them 12 whenever he can)
Then add 1 point for every day until the weekend.
If it's Thursday add 1, if it's Wednesday add 2 and so on.
Are you still with us?
If you have made it this far you are too sober - go get drunk asshole.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©

Finnegan Schall  has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His drinking credentials include: Out drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill). Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze, and what’s your name lover?”

LaToya "GfV" Prater is a free-lance drinker and writer. A native of New Jersey, she got hammered in Hoboken one night a few years back and woke up in Kansas City tied to the passenger seat of a '77 El Dorado with Ed Asner wearing nothing but the hand puppet Lambchop. Now a resident of Kansas City, Prater deals fecal diagnostic kits and rectal temps for cats, dogs and lemurs to earn a paycheck and spends the rest of her time focusing on her three dearest passions: Alcohol, writing fiction, and acting (Japanese balloon fetish porn flicks).