Drunken Tests
by Finnegan Schall

Lascivious is the most stylish word for horny I know. It sounds like something someone might say about a well-designed house or colorful living room and it's my personal beer goggle test. If I can work that word into a pick-up line and pronounce it correctly then my taste in women is still to be trusted. During a drinking career spanning decades, a few continents and enough misspent money to start my own brewery, I have developed a slew of small tests for any given situation in order to gauge my ability (or inability) to cope due to alcohol.

For example, say you're flying an airplane, but you spent a few days too many in the "pilots only" bar, and you find yourself thinking, "I want to do a blaril…bowler… barrel roll, but with a 100 people on the plane I gotta not fuck it up." So first you start out with a swooping dive and if you don't crash, then (and only then), you do the barrel roll. Word to the wise; turn on the seatbelt light first.

For a more mundane example, you spot a beautiful drunken princess at your local watering hole but you're pretty pissed and you don't want to make an ass of yourself. Here's what you do. You pick out a chick that is not as cute and you make some moves on her. If you don't get slapped or have security called on you then you know you're ready for the big time. But remember, in some scenarios this may lead to having two women, so make sure you have plenty of condoms.

This logic may also be applied to a myriad of other situations. Your parents and other relatives are knocking on the door of your "residence" ("trashcan" sounds so plebian). However you're just getting revved up for day whatever of a drunken bender and don't know whether to answer the door or pretend you're dead. So you call your boss at work and explain to him that you are still too sick to come into work this week and you'll call as soon as you feel better. If you make it through that phone call without getting fired, let your family in. If they ask about all the empty vodka bottles tell them you're just taking the recycling in for the bar downstairs.

There are also tests to use on your friends. If you suspect your friend is too drunk to drive (if you drink don't drive, if you drive… well just don't drive), use this test. Tell them you won't let them drive unless they can say, "a Seyfert galaxy is a spiral galaxy with an unusually luminous blue nucleus." Give them several tries. If they try and fail take their keys. If they try and succeed, after a few efforts, let them drive home. If they get it right the first time ask them if they can give you a ride home.

One of the most important factors of being a professional drunk is mapping the boundaries of your personal limits so that when you happily step off the map it is with the full knowledge that jail time may be a consequence. That way, when you wake up in the pokey you'll be emotionally prepared to deal with Clyde, the mad buggerer of cell block C and your new best friend.

- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©

Finnegan Schall  has great hair. He is perhaps most famous as Rasputin’s decadent love child, with a day job as a mad scientist (while not crazy per se, his antagonistic feelings toward farm animals is considered by some to be deviant). He works a promising night time career in the male stripping industry, and is currently negotiating a lucrative stripping contract with Paris Hilton’s lawyers. His drinking credentials include: Out drinking the Russian, German, Irish, and Australian teams at the International Tag Team Drinking Championship (with the help of Ike Hill). Most famous quote: “Hey that’s my shoe, it’s full of booze, and what’s your name lover?”