Drunk of the Month. February 2004
Bean "the Horny Dwarf"
Born: The heart of Johnson County.
KCD: First off. Drunk of the month is quite an honor.
Bean: Thank you very much I ah. . . don't have a trophy yet. But I have a. . . I
am. . . I guess nominated? Or I did get Drunk of the Month?
KCD: You don't know yet until it happens. This . . .the interview is just the
beginning process. You are probably gonna be.
Bean: Oh, so I am runner. . .
KCD: The first question is why should we make you Drunk of the Month?
Bean: You know I never put my name on the ballot in the first place. I just got
out of court today, and they're like, "Oh you're an ALCOHOLIC!" So! Well! But
you know, what the hell do you lose right, you might as well get a trophy or something.
KCD: What were you in court for?
Bean: Ah. . . To get my doter back, to get my DOTER back. To get my Daughter back!
Because I'm an ALCOHOLIC!
KCD: What's your favorite drink of drinks?
Bean: The Horse of beers.
KCD: You like the Budweisers. Bottles, cans, draws, does it matter?
Bean: Bottles! Yeah, last time I ordered a can of beer I found some cotton foot.
KCD: What? You found what?
Bean: Ah yeah. Perfenalia [sic] in somethin'.
KCD: There was something floating in your beer?
Bean: Yeah. There was like a live object.
KCD: It was a can?
Ben: Yeah. It was a can. And it took me back. Back in nineteen. Nineteen seventy
something when I was working in the bicycle shop, and it flopped out of the Dr. Pepper
bottle. Out of the old machine and there was a dead rodent floatin'.
KCD: No way! It was a mouse, rat, you don't know?
Ben: It was a rat in my Dr. Pepper.
KCD: Wait. Wait. Here's the important thing everyone will want to know. Did you
finish the beer?
Ben: Finish the beer? It was a Dr. Pepper.
KCD: Okay. When you found the rodent, did you finish the Dr. Pepper?
Ben: I took two sips then threw up for a whole eight hours.
Pause: (dry heaves and laughter.)
KCD: How many, on a really bad drunken night, how many beers, how many bottles of
Budweiser, do you put away?
Ben: If you and I really sat down on a clean stomach. . . I can probably put up
two cases of beer before you.
KCD: No way!
Ben: Yeah.
KCD: Two cases in how much time?
Ben: A day.
KCD: A day? So wake up to go to sleep time, figure sixteen hours?
Ben: NO. NO! We're talking about six o'clock in the after. . .evening 'til ten
O'clock.
KCD: You can put down two cases of beer?
Ben: Yeah.
KCD: Ah! we gotta go out drinking more. . . hard sometime.
Ben: Come on Doctor, Oh I'm sorry. . . Father! Bitch! You fuck with the nuns don't
you?
KCD: Do you drive?
Ben: I can. Do I do sober? Yes.
KCD: What do you drive?
BEAN: I can drive anything. I have a limo. I own a fleet of three.
KCD: Sweet, you got to set us up sometime!
Ben: I have a BMW. I have a 1968 Dodge Corvette, I have a 1968 Dodge Cornette 383
Holly Whore, and I have a 84 Mustang SHO.
KCD: Share with us the most horrible Bean experience about being absolutely tanked
beyond belief.
Ben: When I was drunk, I saw somebody get hit by a train.
KCD: No way! Where at?
Ben: At in. . .Old Shawnee Town. He walked right in front of the train, BAM!
KCD: Was that traumatic for you?
Ben: I went , "Oh fuck! He's dead."
KCD: Thanks for bringing down the mood Bean. I'll cut you.
Bean: Ha HA! I'm writing a fucking book. . . You need a real tape recorder. . .
KCD: When we came to your studio, you were the only one to drink with us.
Ben: Cause I got balls.
KCD: I know, I got to tip one up for you for that. That was beautiful.
Bean: Everybo . . Everybody around here lookin' at us like we're FAGGOTS! Guess
what? Weeee...we maybe BE!
What else you wanna know? What else you wanna know about me? Am I drunk YET? NO!
KCD: I've heard so much from your co-workers that when you are drunk, you are just
a bastard to deal with.
Bean: Well? Your right.
KCD: I agree, but I still love you. You don't think the sober Bean and the drunken
Bean are like two different Jeckyl and Hyde complexes?
Bean No.
KCD: You think it's the same character? What's different?
Bean: How many shots have I done tonight? How many beers have I drank?
KCD: You're hanging out with KC Drinker, you're going to be doing lots of shots.
Bean: Am I still talking to you?
KCD: Oh yeah! You're doing fine. And are you an asshole? No! Not at all. Not
anymore than I am.
Bean: But you know what. You piss me off . . I can be an asshole. Right?
KCD: I'll cut you Bean! I'll cut you bad!
Bean: You'll cut me bad? With what, your collar? Your fucking white collar.
AARRGGGHHH WHITE COLLAAAR!!!
KCD: You're from Johnson County, so what's your take on Westport versus Johnson
County relations? Where would you rather be?
Bean: LA
KCD: Well yeah! Anywhere but the Midwest.
Bean: You're a terrible interviewer.
KCD: Ah screw you! I got all kinds of great crap from you.
Bean: Fuck you Father! I've always wanted to say that. FUCK YOU FATHER! That's not
my confession. I'm Catholic. I go to confession booth once a week. Now I'll probably have
to go three times a week.
KCD: Here's to you're health, my brother.
Bean: SHUT UP BITCHES!
Listen to 6 minutes and
27 seconds of interview HELL!
The End
