The Truth About Drinking and Driving
Please Don't Try This Unless You Are A Professional
By Eisenhower Hill
(creative at structural editing by LaToya Prater)
The ability to drink and drive is not a skill easily acquired. The penalties are steep
for the complete amateur. They are even more drastic for those with some practice under
their belt.
Generally, the penalties are reduced for the less advanced, and this makes no sense.
They are definitely the more dangerous to the general public. They got caught with little
or no training. The aspiring experts, those caught after at least a year or two of
practice, should be cut a little slack. Of course, if you have been picked up two or more
DWI's, it's best to just put yourself in the "I'm not a real drinker" category.
Money to fund police raids, buy refurbished computers for inner-city schools and hire
those damn efficiency expert consultants for various government projects is what the cash
flow of DWI checkpoints is designed for.
It's all a scam dreamed up by some damn money-mad lawyer wanna-be politician. There is
no real help offered to anyone with a serious problem. If you have about 5K to burn, the
problem simply goes away with the right lawyer. If you are one of the unlucky bastards
that has to be put through the system, you're still out at least two grand. It's not a
lump sum right out of your pocket (they know you can't afford that). No, it's a slow and
very painful process of picking your pockets dry a $50 to $100 at a time. You might be
able to buy a round, but you're not buying any freedom this time!
What this country really needs to draw in some spending money is a DWO (Driving While
Old) policy. Capable elderly excluded, there is a threat on the roads so overlooked that
far more people are killed everyday from IT than from being near a frat house on New
Year's eve. It is the blind, the deaf, the shrunken. Many elderly are less coordinated and
less lucid than a fall-down drunk.
Try looking left AND right, one direction won't cut it. Hell, most of them can't even
see above the steering wheel. It's got to be a "feel the road" driving skill
developed over years of just going to the store for Polident and Vellamints.
And why do these blind menaces always try to negotiate the asphalt jungle during rush
hour? At least a decent drunk waits until hardly anyone's on the damn road! With the power
of the AARP behind this curse to American roadways, there is little chance of solving this
problem. Protect the rights of your voter's power, but ignore the dangers to them selves.
Great mission statement.
Many states are considering and passing everyone's favorite, DWP (Driving While
Phoning). Yes, these bastards, the ones who obviously can't read and take a shit at the
same time, decide it's OK to talk on a phone while tooling around in a two-ton SUV.
No! The soccer mom wasn't distracted by the titillating conversation about the Atkins
Diet with her best friend when she ran into the back wall of Target. It must have been the
ravenous pack of screaming, glass-shattering soccer chicklets dreaming of how they one day
may become another Mia Hamm in the 2012 Olympics. Regardless of the true distraction,
either are problems any drunk would easily resolve with a backhanded pimp slap.
Then we have on the opposite end of real dangers, the buff "dance-club man".
Not to be confused with the buff dance-club BOY, this menace to the highways and byways
drives like a maniac already in his souped-up "Bad Ass Ford Probe". He can't
resist making the mandatory booty calls for his evening of pleasure while cutting you off
at a damn stop sign. How do you cut someone off at a stop sign? The bastard manages it
every time! No common sense, no general clue and a three hundred dollar phone that plays
"Funky Town" just to really top off the stupidity. These guys can dance, hit on
woman, and sip a Sex on the Beach without missing a beat, but can they phone and drive?
Hell no.
Not to put the former three in a category different than this one, but stupid people
are quite possibly the most common and most dangerous road hazard. Any idiot can get a
driver's license. Here's the book, here's the test, good luck with that, take it as many
times as you need.
Hell, illiterate people get driver's licenses, and there aren't even that many pictures
to look at. There has to be some easily overlooked weeding out process here. If knowing
that not having your bright lights on during fog is more important than the ability to
catch a ball, then there is just no hope for the future of mankind.
So you have a BAC (Blood Alcohol Content) of .08 - sir you are under arrest for DWI.
What kind of abstract inane bullshit is that? You could blow a 2.0 BAC while juggling
three running chainsaws and still go to jail for being intoxicated.
Meanwhile, there are people out there that shouldn't be allowed to drive at all. There
are people that shouldn't be allowed to cross the street in a damn ghost town. There are
people that shouldn't be allowed to drive while sober. And there are people out there that
can drive better than most of the population while being legally sloshed.
As drinkers we must stand up and demand new driving tests and standards. Sure it will
cost a little more to be alcohol rated, but damn if it won't be worth it. Who wouldn't
gladly cough up an extra hundred bucks to see just how well he or she handles themselves
after 5, 10, 15 shots of 80 proof sweet booze?
*www.kcdrinker.com does not condone the use of alcohol while driving, provided you can
talk some poor schmuck into being the designated driver. Comments in this work are the
individual thoughts of the artist and are not a suggestion for any member of the public to
attempt such acts. The artist, in fact, has never had a DWI. Or an STD. Probably. Maybe.
At least prior to that blood test in '98. Did that hooker come after '98? Was that during
that Chinese Super Bowl party in 2000? I can't remember. I mean, he can't remember. Crap.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©
