Alcoholics Anonymous Meetings
The Travelers Guide to Finding Great Bar Scenes
By Father Ike Hill
Why do all the really successful evenings of looking for a drinking partner start off
with the phrase? "Hi. My name is Eisenhower, and I'm an alcoholic."
When you have traveled the world looking for world-class drinkers, it always ends up at
a forgotten hall with a poorly painted coffee pot on the door. Here the rich and poor
collide in a Jim Jones-like state of searching for a sanity that no man should ever
achieve. Think that coffee is Folgers? Try again. It's laced for certain with what only
Bill W. or Dr. Bob know.
Sure there have been problems, you lost your job driving because of your two
fifths-a-day habit of Jim Beam, but you got away with it for at least a decade. Your
girlfriend left you when she found out about your wife; that damn boyfriend of yours will
never learn to keep his hole shut. And let's not forget that after your third bankruptcy,
you are now required by law to leave your state identity card at the front door of the
shelter. They know how things "walk off".
But right now cash lines the pockets, and the desire for booze lingers ever present.
You know the real problem is finding yourself out drinking alone, and a partner must be
found. So there you sit. Waiting to hear the past stories of future potential partners in
crime.
"My name is Chuck, and I'm an alcoholic."
And the crowd exuberantly welcomes him, "Hi Chuck!"
He tells his sad story, and it is obvious that Chuck's problems lie in the fact that he
should have been placed in special education classes before he got out of elementary
school.
"My name is Jeffrey, and I'm an ALCOHOLIC!"
"My name is Molly, and I'm a true alcoholic."
"My name is Dave, and what am I again. . . exactly?"
And so it goes. Story after story, they unleash on you their issues. What caused these
people to lose their identities? What caused them to be here? What common force drew them
together this night?
BOOZE!
It is the common thread that ties each of these individuals together. The universal
element that bonds the rich and poor, the clean and filthy, the losers and winners, and
brings them to one place where a world-class drinker can be identified and utilized. It is
here that you hope to find a guide to sin and debauchery.
The greatest thing about A.A. meetings is that they are all over the world. An
unlimited supply of drunken tour guides wait for you at the city of your choice. Budapest,
Cairo, Munich, Trinidad, and even Kansas City have their share of these recruiting
buffets.
So you sit, waiting for the person most likely to drag you out to places unimaginable
prior to this great service. Is it torturous? No, quite entertaining actually. The stories
range from insane stupidity to stupid insanity, but there is always that one person that
calls for a sort of salvation. The person that isn't sure they belong there. They know
their situation has been in shambles, but also realize that better times are ahead of
them. The day may have been near an end for them, but it is clear that the evening is
still a young possibility in their mind. Chaos and irresponsibility are still at hand for
a life of enjoyment and blackouts.
The mark has been identified. How do you approach them? Casual chit chat is not the
problem, these people are so cracked up on "coffee" they only sleep two nights a
week. Inane blathering is simple. It's getting them to a bar that is the First step.
Here is where that twelve steps help you out the most, thank you Bill W. and Dr. Bob.
1. We admitted we were powerless over alcohol-that our lives had become unmanageable.
Simple management skills will lead the potential lost bastard back to the tracks of
enlightenment. They are looking for someone to take control of the situation and their
future plans in life
2. Come to believe that a power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
Dressing as a priest here really does the trick, but in case you don't do this on a
regular basis, it is recommended that you plead Atheism. Or at least that god is located
in the bottom of a bottle. It is commonly believed, amongst Atheists, that if there is a
god, he would be approximately 80 proof.
3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of god as we
understood him.
Establishing that god is close to 80 proof, it is recommended that Bourbon is a good
start towards spirituality. Turning one's life over to Bourbon is the beginning of a great
start to making smart decisions.
4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of our selves.
This is the best time to mention you have cash in hand. If you get any ex-drunk
starting to take an inventory, it will likely turn into depression about lack of funds.
Once the money is mentioned, the morals will fall back to the decision of top versus
bottom shelf drinks.
5. Admitted to god, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our
wrongs.
This is the simplest of all, what drunk, while liquored up, doesn't recant on all the
best laid plans gone wrong? It's like an idiot not saying something stupid at the right
moment. It is just a naturally occurring event. There is plenty of time for step 5 after
the drinks are flowing.
6. Were entirely ready to have god remove all these defects of character.
Right, Mr. 80 Proof is in the wings waiting to solve all the problems of the world. And
he has it all locked in on a deal that is starting with solving your issues. Just hang in
there, and all your problems will quickly go away. Your happiness is really in the
"All Mighty's" best interest.
7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.
By this time, priest outfit or not, you are the savior for this poor bastard. You
should have had the first beer and shot into this tool after discussing step number four.
If you find your self seriously discussing step seven, it is recommended you run away or
hang out for the next meeting. Have another cup of that unadulterated coffee by the way,
or maybe you would like some of JJ's Kool-aid to top off the rest of your life!
So, the tour guide of taverns has been established and acquired, hopefully. It's time
to let the magic of the evening begin. There is a whole unexplored world before you, go
into the night knowing you have saved someone's soul and saved yourself a hell of a time
finding the right bar scene. And if it turns out your drunk of choice is lame and
inexperienced, there are always plenty of other meetings full of professional drunks to
choose from.
