Dating and the A.D.D
Dating is a funny thing, particularly for the drunkard. Take the whole "going to the
bathroom" ordeal. For some reason (with the exception of a few very cool people who
are comfortable enough with themselves to laugh off a fart in front of a loved one) we
seem to feel the need to keep it from the opposite sex as long as possible that we do
human things like taking a crap.
Now if you're a proper tart and lush, you tend to go on dates that involve a lot of
drinking, and therefore you may also find yourself frequently having
"sleepovers" early on in the dating process (i.e., passing out at one apartment
or the other, one or both far too hammered to drive home).
If this is the case, or if, for some sick, bizarre reason you don't drink, but just
like spending the night with each other, there comes a point in every relationship when
you simply have to take a dump in your beloved's bathroom (at least I hope you make it to
the bathroom).
Sometimes, this point comes a little sooner and more inconveniently than you would
like.
Let's examine the following example: It is the third time you've stayed at his/her
place. He/she has a very small apartment, and the bathroom is located within the tiny
bedroom.
Thus far, your visits have consisted of he/she marveling at your attractiveness, your
hot body, your wit, intelligence and amazing capacity for booze, even how good you still
look in the morning after a night of drunken debauchery.
Let's face it, he/she worships you. You are still a god/goddess.
However, the Pabst Blue Ribbon, shots of tequila and late night Taco Bell run are
wreaking havoc with your stomach on this, the third "morning after."
You go into the bathroom intending to take a dainty/casual piss, and you end up taking
the A.D.D. (After Drinking Dump). It just sort of has to happen, or you're going to end up
stifling terrifying gaseous emissions and agonizing abdominal pain. So, out it comes, you
are feeling much better, but lo and behold, the stench is not going to be something you
can hide.
And there's not a match in sight.
So, you hope this person really, really likes you and will be willing to politely
ignore the fact that not only have you stunk up the bathroom, but it's crept out into the
tiny bedroom and probably the rest of the place as well.
What do you do? Say something about it? Laugh it off with as much savoir faire as you
can muster, commenting wittily on the tequila worm you found floating in the toilet?
Or do you just pretend it didn't happen, even though you are both painfully aware that
it did? This is a dilemma that forever perplexes me. In fact, this very thing happened
once, and I swear, I went from goddess to little better than a mongrel with mange in
seconds.
But there is a valuable lesson to be learned here.
If someone could actually just stop liking you, or greatly reduce his/her opinion of
you because you took a crap (as if they have never done it), he/she is almost as worthless
as the brown replica of the Titanic you gave birth to in his/her shitter.
And anyway, you should be dating someone with more money and a bigger place.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©
