Drunk of the Month: “Chillicothe” Dave

Born:     Santa Barbara, CA. Grew up in Chillicothe, MO. Moved to KC somewhere around age 39

Occupation:        “Clerk”


KCD: Why do you think you deserve KCDs “Drunk of the Month” designation?

Dave: Well, hell, I don’t know that I “deserve” it. But I have a purpose for being drunk. Which makes me a drunk. Most drunks are drunks…just to be drinking. But I have a purpose for being drunk.

KCD: And…what is that?

Dave: What? Oh. Well. I’d rather not say what it is.

KCD: But our readers will want to know. Your purpose. You know.

Dave: What sets me apart from the other drunks is, I’m more astute than they are. I can hold my own. There’s no trick to being “town drunk” or “drunk of the month.” I’m not drunk of the month anyway. I’m drunk of the LIFE. I’m drunk every day. Most drunks just drink three, maybe four times a week. I drink every day. And I still make it to work at 6 a.m. everyday. Then I come back here. To the bar. To my real job. And believe me, being a drunk is work. It’s not just always pleasure. It takes a lot out of you.

KCD: When did you start drinking?

Dave: I had my first drink when I was nine years old. It was Crème DeMenthe.

KCD: Yeah, me too! My parents used to put it on ice cream, and I started sucking it right out of the bottle when I was five…. Oh. But this isn’t about me. Sorry. So…uh…favorite KC bar?

Dave: I don’t have a favorite bar, but I spend most of my time at Buzzard Beach and Dave’s Stagecoach Inn because they’re convenient.

KCD: What’s the craziest thing you ever did drunk?

Dave: Woke up in another town, leaning on a bale of hay, in a barn, with some guy I didn’t know, standing over me with a half pint of Jack Daniels, telling me “here buddy, you look like you need a drink.”

KCD: Can you elaborate on that?

Dave: No.

KCD: OK. What’s the craziest thing you ever did during a blackout?

Dave: **thinks** **hard**

KCD: The craziest thing you don’t remember…

Dave: There was a coupla them…took my friend’s Cadillac and drove it into a big water truck. And took it to another town and got stopped by the police. Then they arrested my girlfriend and put her in jail, because she was behind the wheel.

KCD: They arrested your girlfriend? What about you?

Dave: I tried to get them to put me in jail and let her go. Anyway, that’s just one of the crazy things…I’ve got a whole bunch of them.

KCD: Tell me about the “sanctioned” incident at the Stagecoach. I understand you were sanctioned from that bar not too long ago.

Dave: Sanctioned. That’s a strange word. Sanctioned.

KCD: Isn't it? We all want to know just what one has to do to be “sanctioned” from Dave’s Stagecoach.

Dave: I wasn’t ready to leave yet. It was time to close and I still had more beer left! And the bartender told me if I went and grabbed my beer I had set on the bar, I’d be kicked out. So I went and grabbed my beer. And drank it. And so he walked me to the door, and I left peaceably. Which is unusual. Because I’ve never done anything peaceably in all my life. And he said “you're sanctioned for two weeks.”

And I’m like, “What in the hell does ‘sanctioned’ mean!?”

KCD: So you’re telling me you were sanctioned just for drinking your beer?

Dave: Yeah. He got a little crazy. It had nothing to do with me. I was just doing my job. I WAS ON MY JOB.

KCD: Dave, how many nights have you spent in jail?

Dave: Come again?

KCD: Have you spent any time in jail?

Dave: Yes I have. One time me and my buddy was in the drunk tank. And some lady came up to see her son. We was laying back in the dark and she was scared anyway. And I had my shirt unbuttoned and I was smacking my chest [demonstrates by slapping chest] and I was going “Ohh. Ohhh. OHHHH.” [moans sotto voce] Everybody in the jail was laughing, but she was scared to death. Thought they was killin’ someone back there. It was fun. That’s probably my most memorable night in jail. Or it coulda been the time I was layin’ in the drunk tank in the bottom bunk, and there was this guy in there on the top bunk, it was his first time in jail, and he was scared, and there was a storm going on outside, and I said “Hey, you know what happens when it lightnings? You can count to five and it will always thunder.” And I counted. Real slow. And when I got to five I reached up and kicked the bunk above me. And the new guy yells “Oh my God, what’s going on?”

That story doesn’t sound funny here, but if you had been there, it would have been a riot.

KCD: OK. Any other pertinent information you want to offer, Dave?

Dave: No.

KCD: About…anything?

Dave: No.

KCD: Right. Bartender? I’m going to need three shots of tequila. Stat. And bring something for my friend Dave here.

Hall of DRUNKS