| Quit
Smoking Soon:
The Hazards of Drinking and Trying to Quit Smoking
By Eisenhower Hill
One pack, two packs, five cigarettes a day, it really doesn't matter. Every smoker
eventually comes to the realization they need to quit. Most never succeed, and those that
do usually find themselves back in less than one year. When you are a drinker…well,
those odds are not going to be touched upon here. No point in getting you down like that
before the help can begin. Drinkers have added challenges and dangers separate from the
work-a-day Christian Rock loving citizen.
Drinking makes it natural to want your daily air heated and filtered through a rich blend
of dark and light tobaccos. Like Ritalin, nicotine helps one focus while drinking; a
stimulant that relaxes - brilliant. Add the two together, liquor plus cigarettes, they
equal a combination so perfect that it just appears wrong on so many levels to break them
apart. But, in your vain attempts to capture some sort of health conscious sentiment about
yourself, you have chosen to cut the devil's weed over sweet, time honored booze.
Congratulations, you have made an adult decision, we'll assume it's the first time.
The time-tested standard is to simply put the pack down, step away from the lighter, and
convulse flatly on your back. The medics will be along shortly. Cold Turkey, commonly
referred to as "the first step towards miserable depression and eventual
suicide," has been helping people from the first moment a human stuffed a pipe full
of that delicious dry ambrosia. It is the most difficult way to quit, and has the highest
continuous success rate for those strong enough to control their own will. The only
strength of "Cold Turkey" is that once the nicotine is out of your system,
generally seven to eleven days, you have conquered the hardest part in the shortest amount
of time. Think about it, a non-smoker in less than two weeks.
The main drawbacks are the loss of friends, family, and work. True friends will bring you
a pack no later than day four, "out of concern". You will not be in control of
what pisses you off. And my friends, that will be every little thing that dares to be near
you, or effect you in any way. Yes, that Alaskan fishermen strike that raised the price of
tuna from .57 cents a can to .59 cents will set you off in an insane rage for days. That
type of hyper-focusing at work will probably move you to, at the very least, middle
management, but only at the cost of selling your good-natured self for the inane ramblings
of an addict looking for irrelevant retribution. You will be hated by those that stood by
your side in the past, and loved by the vultures that wanted you gone from day one. It is
your choice. A two-week tropical vacation far away from a store that sells any form of
nicotine is recommended for this treatment.
If willpower does not exist in your case, what can be done? There are several different
nicotine sources on the market. The first and oldest is nicotine gum. This danger has been
available to the population since the late 1980s. Available in 2 mg and 4 mg doses, this
is the easiest way to eventually continue a serious smoking habit. The gum is ten times
more addictive than smoking. Never has anyone drooled as much from a nicotine delivery
system as the nicotine gum replacement product. One single piece of gum can simulate, even
the smaller 2 mg square, and induce nicotine highs greater than chain-smoking two packs in
twenty minutes. Yes, you will experience highs and ruin shirts like never before. Not to
mention that while drinking, you will swallow more pieces in one evening than is
recommended for an entire week, leading to a gateway of intestinal madness, even death.
"I have always hated 'GUM'" you say. Well maybe the nicotine lozenge is for you.
All smokers are familiar with a lozenge, especially around flu season. This brilliant
device has been in our company just recently. It started as a lollipop until little kids
started realizing that lollipops are good candy. What the hell were those bastards
thinking? Was it a conspiracy to get the younger generation hooked right off the bat? Hell
yes, but that is for a completely different article all together. The lozenge is a danger
to the drinker in one simple way. This choking hazard has taken more drunken smokers'
lives, in the short time it has been out, than lung cancer.
If a sticky sweet piece of burning candy lodged in your throat turns you off, try the
patch. Nicotine patches are semi-permanent tattoos that deliver a steady stream of
nicotine, and leave behind a perfect trademarked square red rash. Available in 7 mg, 14
mg, and 21 mg body stickers, they are the least dangerous of all treatments mentioned thus
far. Unfortunately, the patch does not allow you to spot treat particularly bad moments of
craving. It's a steady release of nicotine, but at certain moments, like at a bar, the
necessary amount usually falls far short from the required target.
You could always smoke one cigarette while the damn thing's on, but your doctor will never
recommend this idea. What about following it up with a single "magic" piece of
gum, or a lozenge? Because if you don't have heart problems, why bring them on that way?
Very dangerous that nicotine problem of yours, maybe slapping on another patch will
resolve all those desires. Don't even think about it!
Ideally thinking and assuming you are on the 21mg patch, the others are probably safe to
try . . . ***KCD lawyers insist that this is not expert testimony, and any advice taken
from this site should be disregarded as fiction at best*** …stick to the one patch,
and suffer you poor bastard.
The newest "quit smoking" technology to hit the market is the Nicotine inhaler.
Why quit smoking if you can smoke? Well it doesn't quite match the sweet soothing glow
from a real puff off of a cancer stick. No, the plastic tube, the size of a small cigar,
is loaded with smaller mysterious tubes of nicotine that resemble light brown sponges, and
air is drawn through these cylinders of addiction to fix that which is broken. Huff away,
it will cure any craving you might develop for a real cigarette, but it is ten times
harder on your throat than the real deal. Yes the medical grade equivalent of smoking
leaves you with, on a good day, a sever case of strep throat. It is rougher than a pack of
full-flavored menthol Basics. A bong hit of Tostitos through a six-foot Grafix water pipe
comes more highly recommended for relaxation than the nicotine inhaler.
So, you're a pill popper by nature. There are a wonderful assortment of miracle herb
supplements on the market, and don't forget Xyban. These herbs aren't the blend your uncle
always helped supply; no, these are a mixture of everything under the sun.
A carpetbagger approach to curing your ills. The least efficient way to quit smoking, next
to asking a psychic to remove the foul demons inside. Want to sleep it off for a couple
months? Try this one! Want to emulate that ever-energetic crack head next door feel?"
This one is the miracle cure for you!
Yes. These will do everything imaginable except curve the desires for nicotine.
Xyban, a.k.a Wellbutrin, is a simple anti-depressant. Yes, all smokers are depressed,
especially those about to quit. And if you aren't, you certainly will be. How can a
treatment for mild depression cancel out the heroine level addiction of nicotine? It
can't. It is a hoax developed to deliver a little cigarette money to the needy
pharmaceutical industry. But you will feel better about being a loser for four to six
weeks after this treatment. Most promising!
Whatever method you choose, you have to remember: This is not a simple decision. This is a
life-altering process that is not going to go away over a Krispy Crème doughnut and a
tall dark espresso laden coffee. This monkey isn't just on your back; it has been training
you to be its bitch for years.
Hang in there, never stop wanting to be free, and always remember, if you quit, you can
easily afford that $2,000.00 vacation after one year!
Assuming you smoke like a pansy.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©
Eisenhower 'Ike' Hill is a high altitude native of Colorado Springs, CO. After
extensive blackouts, he now runs guns to fuel the Missouri Border Wars near Kansas City,
MO. He is fully credited for the theory of, "Complete a sentence, and take a shot of
whiskey." In his spare time, which is a lot, he enjoys dressing as an (Irish)
Catholic priest and hearing the confessions of hot chicks.
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