Does a little pick-me-up bring you trouble in the middle of the day? Do friends,
family, or co-workers nag you endlessly about a "problem"? Does that little
inconsiderate voice in your head constantly remind you to wait until three in the
afternoon for a little gasoline?
If you answered yes to any of these questions, don't even think about feeling
"bad" or "guilty".
The problem lies not with you, but with everyone else. Let's face it, "everyone
else" is probably the reason some people (perhaps like yourself) drink heavily in the
first place.
This informative self-help guide is to help point out why (a) boozing it up can be a
delightfully positive influence on your life and (b) how you can work around the more
troublesome areas of life in order to more fully develop your relationship with a life of
drinking in Kansas City.
One Tuesday in early December, as I made my way down Pennsylvania Avenue, headed for
Dave's Stagecoach Inn, I heard a familiar female voice like crumbling lead paint cry out
from behind, "Alcohol will steal your soul! It is a corruptor from the devil sent to
slay the weak willed!"
It was my mom.
I hadn't seen her since I moved here from New Jersey, and always wondered what became
of her. Ignoring her ranting, I continued on, looking forward to my first Schlitz of the
day at Dave's. Thinking now about her filthy, fly-away gray hair and anti-substance
abuse/Bible-beating sandwich board brings me to my first point.
Friends (not the good ones) and family may condemn your drinking, telling you it's
"no good" and "going to be your downfall."
Nonsense! Booze inspires. It redirects one's thoughts to grand interpretations allowing
the drinker to strive for greater ambitions. Whether you choose to write, sing, dance or
simply dazzle others with your wit (in which you have far more confidence when liquored
up) you are in full force, daddy-o. Dig the following:
Society as much as tells us drinking greatly enhances creative abilities. Look at some
of the best writers of our time. They are (or were) raging drunks, and society idolizes
them - Poe, Fitzgerald, Hemingway, King, and Dave Jackson. I would also point out that, as
far as anyone knows, writers like Danielle Steele, Anne Rice, Dean Koontz and John Saul
have not been rumored to drink - 'nuff said.
A drinking habit can actually make people admire you. You will not only have dazzled
them with your newfound artistic genius, they will be a lot more afraid of your drastic
mood swings. After coming to realize that booze is the only thing that really makes you
happy, they will readily drive you to Gomers, or else proffer plenty from their own store
to keep you from stabbing or otherwise maiming them in a sober rage.
In addition, your wiser friends will want to remain in the favor of a future Pulitzer
Prize winner, and the weaker ones will drop off. Even if you end up with no friends, once
you die and your work reaches levels of fame even you never dreamed of, people will only
chalk your falling out with society up to your creative genius being so far beyond the lot
of mortals.
Drinking helps save money in the long run. Things like food are not nearly as
necessary. One meal a day is more than enough - go on, try it. You'll be pleasantly
surprised. You will feel generally full and satisfied more often, and, in many cases, lose
weight, giving you a svelte, more emaciated figure, which we all know this society
worships.
In summary, don't let them tell you "YOU" have the problem. The poor sober
bastard in the corner watching you work the party, or at home in front of the boob tube,
that's the guy with the "drinking problem"! He is, in a word, uninspired.
Which brings me to my next point. Why can't that kind of action be locked-up all the
time? What has to be done to maintain that constant living bliss?
For most, it comes down to making some simple changes. If you're like most working
stiffs, you are forced to live two different lives. Mild-mannered downtrodden Sam Nobody
by day, then Sammy Davis Jr. with the whole ring-a-ding-ding Pack by night.
You know which one you like better.
For the usual Joe, being the big-league guy (or gal) all the time isn't easy. You have
to go to work. You have responsibilities. The punks that don't get it are keeping an eye
on you, and want you to go nowhere fast.
Think of a typical day at the office. Would you ever even consider acting that way in
your local watering hole? HELL, NO, because it's no way to be. It's an act. It's not you.
Say what's really on your mind around a co-worker or boss, you'll develop a financial
fracture post haste. Dare to be offensive, it's all gone. So what do you do? Wake up at
age 65 and wonder where all your best drinking years went? Realize with great regret you
sat in the office for 30+ years and have little to show for it? No! Get your life in gear
- right now!
Here are some pointers for "re-arranging" your employment situation to
incorporate as much booze into your life as you want.
The Corporate Type
If you fall into this category, you are either a Peon (a.k.a. Zombie), Middle Management
or Senior Management.
Senior management is most likely not reading this, because they already know they can
do whatever the hell they want. In fact, drinking and golfing are in the job description.
Middle management has some ability to indulge without consequence, depending on whom
they report to and whether they are highly valued with the company. Since no one really
likes middle management, I will not dwell on tips to help them. The sooner they go away,
only to be replaced by another moron perfecting the Peter Principle, the better.
Peons are S.O.L. No matter what you do, you have 12 people riding your ass all day
long. No one appreciates your skills or creativity, and you barely get paid enough to
maintain the steady diet of alcohol you require. The Peon does his/her drinking away from
work, and is usually unable to take advantage of the liquid lunch. The Peon often comes to
work hung over, but has never been able to climb to a level of coming to work piss drunk.
The irony of this is that the Peon is the person who really, really needs those 10
shots of tequila just to make the day bearable. The Peon usually carries the company, as
he/she is the only person who actually does any real work. For Peons serious about
striving to be drunkards, I suggest the following:
A. If you are working for a company that punches the clock, enforces rules about too
much Internet use or other primitive, non-progressive policies, quit your job immediately.
This environment is not conducive to furthering your drinking career. You'll just get
fired, and you can't even collect unemployment.
B. Once you have quit, decide if the 9-5 situation works for you. If so, find a
government job. The expectations will be ridiculously low, so you can come in completely
pickled on a daily basis, and still be considered an exemplary employee. Also, there will
be good benefits and plenty of time off.
C. If, like many corporate Peons, you are totally burned out on square time parameters
like 9-5, get a job bartending or waiting tables. You may have to simplify your lifestyle
or take out enormous bank loans to do this, but you will have a nice, varied schedule that
is far more compatible with drinking until 6 a.m., sleeping through the "bright"
part of the day, and rising around 5 p.m., refreshed and ready to start again.
The Retail Slave
The retail slave falls into two main categories: The shop clerk and the bartender/waiter.
The plus to being a retail slave is you generally have some flexibility with your
schedule. Bionic liver replacements, weeklong binges and vacations are much easier to plan
and attain. A. If you are a shop clerk, consider becoming a bartender/waiter or,
preferably, a stripper. Shop clerks generally don't make enough money to drink seriously.
B. If you are a bartender/waiter/stripper, you are in charge of your own destiny. You
can decide just how much you will fleece the general public for by developing excellent
customer service (blowing-smoke-up-the-ass) skills. Drinking throughout your day will help
you appear looser, and customers will tip better. This is a better deal than any
healthcare benefits or stock options some lousy company might offer.
In summary: Recall the last time you walked into your favorite Kansas City bar. Your
seat was waiting. People all around you are living it up, waiting for you to join the
scene. There is always casual banter, sort of like at work, but better because these
clever topics beat all.
You want in on the joke, but…oh no! You're not ready. Work has stolen the best
part of
your Jekyl and Hyde personality. Sam Nobody is still awake, bringing everyone down talking
about irrelevant work crap.
It's Hyde that takes the stand to get things moving in the naughty direction.
"Barkeep," you shout. "It's drier than a British nun down here! Let's
go!"
Ah. The bartender shoots the first drink down your way. You can feel the evening begin
to develop with that first smooth burn sliding down your throat. It's not a drastic
change, but now you know when to say the wrong thing at the right moment.
The laughs start, the whisky flows and you have just gotten to first base with the
evening.
- www.KCDrinker.com - 2003 ©
