Deep inside of every sober person is a raging drunk trapped by a budget. If the funds
aren't there, what do you do? How are you going to get your buzz on if you can't even buy
a .75-cent draw of PBR? By now all of your "friends" are on to your suspicious
behavior.
"Yeah, I left my wallet at home." And the stupid bastards picked up the tab.
"Cover me tonight, and when I get paid Friday, the whole evening's on me." They
bought it, you drank, and good job at not mentioning you're unemployed.
Yes, it's a fine mess you have gotten yourself into Stanley! You didn't even buy the
gasoline that set fire to those bridges, but they are unmistakably gone. But it doesn't
take the Count of Monte Cristo to escape the hellish sober stronghold you have thrown
yourself into. There has to be away to get a little juiced, and there is.
The first assumption here is that you are not a beautiful woman, because their problem
lies with which free drink to choose from. No, you are either a guy, a social leper, or a
reasonably below average female; no disrespect intended, love ya', really.
Assumption number two is, like all your friends, all the local bars of choice know your
dilemma. Did they let you slip in under the radar of a cover charge a few times? Yes. Will
that ever happen again? No, unless you are jumping out of a limo wearing an Armani suit
accessorized by a supermodel on each arm. Everyone knows that's real likely to happen.
Right! Again, no disrespect intended, love ya', really.
Now that you're true situation has been filleted and dissected to where you can really
see what a hopeless effort you are up against, several solutions will be presented.
Drink-and-Dash Scenario
Restaurants with bars give you an open tab. It is their weakness. This is the most upscale
environment in which to work your magic. The two most important aspects of this potential
bender are know the restaurant; where are your escape points, how can you get out
covertly. And second, for the love of general common sense, clean yourself up. Don't go in
looking like an eighteenth century street urchin, "Shine your shoes for half a pence
mister". Go ahead and break out the job interview clothes; this will really help; you
can clean them at your mom's house later. Trust me.
So you're in, don't go crazy. Start with a beer and an appetizer (something with
seafood, it will make sense later). Look impatient at first; keep looking at the entrance.
The impression of you waiting on a friend, or better yet a date, will help set up bonds
with your personal member of the wait staff. Everyone's been blown off, they will
understand, and this leads to a great reason to get trashed. Like you need one.
Ten beers, five shots, and three appetizer plates later, you are ready to make your
move. First ask for your bill, and joke with your new friendly staff member about being
abandoned. If you get a laugh or a sympathetic response, ask where the restrooms, or
payphones are, and bust ass out of there. If the inconsiderate little bastards show no
care towards your plight, well, you might end up with three squares and a cot. Have no
fear, and try these tested maneuvers. Most of the time waiters and waitresses are just
really busy and lose interest, go ahead and make the move towards your exit strategy,
a.k.a restroom or payphone escape route. If you are eyed by anyone, staff wise, play it
off and head back to the table. Here is where your buzz will allow you to start acting.
Ask for a glass of water while holding your stomach. Try to look like your mom just told
you about her first homosexual encounter, and as soon as they turn their back, cram your
finger straight down your throat. What comes up won't be pretty, and a damn waste of
alcohol as well. Here is where your first appetizer saves the day. Seafood takes a long
time to fully digest, and that is your out. Cradle that stomach, moan in agony, and make
it clear you are in severe pain. Start babbling about the shrimp, or what ever the hell
you were just poisoned with. Never stop throwing out a good wretched dry heave during the
first investigative process. This will keep them off your back. At this point, they want
you out of the view of the general public more than you want to just get the hell out of
there. Whether it's out the front door with you, or assisted to the back office, just keep
the angry "sue you" comments flowing. It won't be long now till you are set
free. Just remember to decline the ambulance offers; they're nothing but trouble.
Swipe-a-Drink Maneuvers
Assume there is a bar that doesn't charge a cover, and is not familiar with your
predicament. This can be a top notch local to find "free" pick-me-ups. The
constant changing faces near pool tables alone can supply an endless supply of mistaken
cocktails. That is your drink; it was just placed there a minute ago. Stake out three
quarter filled drinks, and plant your self near them. It is only a matter of time before
they become yours. Lift, clean, and sip, so wonderfully obvious.
Dance clubs are the ultimate in "free" top-shelf drinks. The constant flow of
complete tables running off to grind out naughty rhythms leaves unprotected drinks all
over the place. If a buzz can't be obtained here, missionary school should certainly be
considered. There is also a large number of the "Ultra-drunk" class hanging out
here. These zombies are easy targets for a grab and guzzle. Just set the empty back close
to where it was, and another will be along shortly to replace it. This is an unbeatable
source of replenishable refreshment.
Save-a-Dead-Soldier Duty
Everybody has been in the group situation where an immediate retreat is necessary. Music
has gone wrong. Someone walked in that shouldn't be there. This is the perfect harvest of
wasted booze. How much liquor is wasted every year by impetuous youths fleeing a perfectly
good half-drink for matters inane to the rest of the world? And a bounty awaits your
discretion. Beer? Wine? Mixed drink? It's all at you personal bar, right there at the
table of dead-soldiers.
You now know how to get your fill-up on a budget of a dime or less. A few options may
be more palatable than others, but if a dime is all you have, these are the best
recommendations any true drunk can take to heart.
Now you are only days away from bumming a quarter to get you and your kids on the long
bus ride to Gate's center where your aunt is going to feed the children that are
"around here somewhere".
Congrats!
