The following are real queries submitted to Dr. Lush,
followed by her sage and booze-soaked advice. We thought it more entertaining to leave in
all the misspellings, but in the interest of time, have shortened people's drunken
ramblings.
Hey, Doc!
Here's the trouble. I got your email and went to your
website. Well, I
took your advice - drinking excessively for no apparent reason.
Unfortunately, my liver collapsed and they tell me I need a transplant as
soon as possible.
Do you have any children?
Love, Sam
Dear Sam,
It is a little known fact that the liver is indeed a vestigial organ. You really
don't need it. I had mine replaced with a stainless steel Thermos a few years ago, and
everything's been A-OK. An actor friend of mine, George Clooney, will do the surgery for a
six pack and a box of Philly Swisher Sweets. He's not a doctor, but he played one on TV.
-Barbara Lush
Dear Dr. Lush,
Please tell me how to propose to girls? Can you give me a
step by step manual with
samples of the words I must tell her and how to approach them. THank you very much
Dr Lush for finding someone like you.
-Sibusiso
Dear Samurai,
Domo arigato, Mr. Roboto, or whatever. Clearly English isn't your native language,
and that could be why you're having problems communicating with the ladies. First of all
son, this ain't Utah. If you're talking about "proposing" you're talking about
marriage, and unless you're a Mormon, you can't marry multiple women in this country.
However, you are probably just looking to score a little spanky spanky of an evening, and
fortunately for you, hitting on girls in America is a piece of cake as long as you
remember we're all really, really easy.
Here's your no-fail manual for picking up trim in Kansas City:
1. Always be sure to get really, really drunk first, preferably in a public
location. You'll know you're ready when you have trouble maintaining your footing and
can't seem to have a coherent thought. TIP: You're good and loaded when you begin singing
all the songs in the jukebox at the top of your voice and can't remember a single word
correctly.
2. Now's the time to scope out that hot chick you noticed earlier, sidle up and
make brazen overtures. TIP: Be sure to find the hot chick(s) you liked when you were
SOBER. If you wait to scope out chicks when your beer goggles are five inches thick,
you'll end up with a Russian mail order bride named Tyrell.
3. Here's the easy part: Start talking. Be sure to immediately invade her personal
space so she knows you mean business. Spitting a little when you talk is hot, wet and
considered very sexy by American women. When she tries to move away, or looks at you with
revulsion, be sure to clumsily grab at her arm or hair, letting her know you are BY NO
MEANS going to leave her alone. Don't bother with small talk. Get right to it. For
example:
"Yourrrr hot. Leth…letzzz…let's go back to my apartment. Can you
drive, though? I don't haffff a carrrr."
(American women are very liberated and appreciate being able to take the lead wherever
possible: picking up the tab, doing all the driving, doing your laundry and cooking your
meals)
"I wan…wanna….do nathty…I mean, nasty things to you. Letzzz go
in the bathroom and make out."
(Be sure to follow a promise like this up with a grand finale, like puking or passing
out).
"I'm desperate for a girlfriend, but I'd settle for ssssome ass. Can you help
me out?"
(American women love a man who's not afraid to be totally pitiful and needy. It shows
sensitivity, and chicks love that).
Hopefully you get the idea. With these tips in mind, you're sure to score.
Jackass.
Dear Dr. Lush,
What the hell is with the whole black leather jacket thing? Last spring I was
gratefule to see the emrgence of sundresses and tanktops, considering my eyes had just
gone through the darkest days ever. Almost every single tavern skipping clone was decked
out in this virtually mandatory dress code. The numbers were almost as comparible to the
amount of red jerseys at Arrowhead on a Sunday. Already I long to see different colors and
personalities, instead of seeing a Wilson's Leather customer appreciation party. Am I
going crazy? Is not anyone an individual anymore? This has gotten way worse than the whole
"Starter Coat" fad, or jean jackets. I am seriously thinking of staying clear of
the local pubs throughout the winter months. What should I do?
thanks,
Rolling Rock and a Quervo shot
Dear Dumbass,
What does it matter what kind of jacket they're wearing, as long as everyone keeps
drinking? As I blearily stumble through the bar, I care not what people are wearing
(unless it's white jeans - that is just...so...wrong), but rather how big a round they're
buying. I assume, not least because of your atrocious spelling, that you drink nearly as
much as I do. Obviously, since you're actually thinking of not going to bars all winter
long, you are not drinking nearly enough. I suggest the following recipe:
- Go to Buzzard Beach from 6 p.m. to 8 p.m. and suck down as many $.75 draws as you
can, or just drink that spring water they call Rolling Rock.
- Next, hit the Dark Horse next door (nice short stumble) for Power Hour, between
8-10 p.m., put down your $8 in quarters, then drink all the beer you can.
- Now that you're not so thirsty, you can start drinking in earnest. Tequila shots
are great - have a few "Quervos" as you call them. Then try a little Irish
whiskey, topped off with a nice warm Prairie Fire.
Trust me. You won't give a flying shit what kind of jackets people are wearing
when all is said and done.
Dear Dr. Lush,
I have this tight group of friends at work. We all known each other for years now. We
drink together several times a week. You know at lunch and after work and stuff. Well I've
been having lots of blackouts lately and I'm getiing kind of worried and stuff. Because
like the other morning I woke up and it was like 10 am already and I couldn't remember how
I got home or even what happened after the first hour or so of drinking, and it was only
wednesday. So I snuck into work hopping that nobody would notice or anything. But the
crazy thing is when I got there everyone was complimenting me. You know, saying how cool I
was and stuff like that. Ever since then I blackout more and more and everyone justs acts
like I'm cooler and cooler. I really want to know whats going on but I don't want to,
youknow fuck it up or anything. What do I do?
-Hero
Dear Dumbass,
Let me get this straight. You were drinking moderately with your friends, and
recently you have taken the next and noblest step, increasing your alcohol intake to the
point where it is causing extensive blackouts, and, by extension, missed time at work sans
negative consequences. What, exactly, is the problem here? Sounds like you're well on your
way to a truly successful drinking career. What the hell do you need advice for?
One of several things will happen:
a. You will get fired. Big deal. You must not love your job THAT much, or you
wouldn't be drinking so heavily.
b. You will ruin relationships with loved ones. Screw that, they can't be that
great, or you wouldn't be drinking so heavily.
c. You will realize that no one cares nearly as much as you thought they would,
and you will continue to slack off and lead a happy, stress-free life. Eventually, your
liver will harden into a tiny, non-functional marble, but because you are not a productive
member of society, you will be able to mooch off the system and rack up emergency room
bills that other upstanding citizens will pay for in taxes with their hard-earned money.
So, you see! No problem! It's a win-drink-win situation all around.
Dear Dr. Lush,
help me doc I'm ...... uhhh???? huuuummmmm,well never mind.
Dear Reader,
Judging by your recent e-mail to me, Dr. Barbara Lush, you are either:
a) dosed up with Thorazine
b) completely wasted on Jack Daniels and Fritos
c) stoned out of your mind
d) all of the above
If any and/or all of these are true, you are just fine! You are, in fact, well on
the road to enlightenment. As long as you keep getting so fucked up you completely lose
any mastery of the English language, you'll go far in life, youngster.
Bottoms up!
Barbara Lush, P.B.R. is not a licensed therapist. Dr. Lush is not
even a licensed driver, due to multiple DUIs. Dr. Lush's only credentials include winning
the 1958 Spokane Antifreeze Shot Competition and earning a lifelong membership in
Berbiglia's Connoisseur Club.
